The Junction
Published in

The Junction

Conversation with My Wife (214.3)

“Almost done!” “With THAT catalog pile, you mean?” “What…?”

Mantle decorations; because Deb thinks they’re pretty. (photo by author)

For those joining us late: during breakfast, we like to look through catalogs we get in the mail. Mostly to make fun. Sometimes for the chuckles.

DEB: $50 for flannel PJs? Sorry, “only” $50!

ME: Well, it’s either $50 wasted for something in which no one will see you, or $50 invested for something in which you will spend a third of your life. Pick one.

DEB: Good point.

ME: Okay, I like looking at our “food porn” catalogs, but these corporate ones¹ seem a little silly for us. Why would I spend $100 on a selection of cheese, cookies, and summer sausage when I could get the same thing from our Giant Foods grocery at a third the price, and I wouldn’t have a bunch of pretty boxes to throw away?

DEB: (looks at me with an expression that says I missed something)

ME: You didn’t let me finish. I meant a bunch of pretty boxes that most people would throw away, but I would save for you, my wonderful gift-wrapping wife?

Deb likes to wrap gifts for people. (I like to make smart-ass comments on the gift tags.) So when we get a gift box, or even just a nice-size Amazon box, I show it to her before I dispose of it. She goes into visualization mode² momentarily, then lets me know whether to toss it or add it to the pile in the basement.

This would be less funny if it weren’t so true.

ME: T-shirt: “I before E… unless you leisurely deceive eight feisty caffeinated foreign heirs to forfeit their heinous sovereign conceits.”

DEB: Sorry honey! “I before E except after C has been disproved by SCIENCE!”

ME: “I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.” Is that me, Debster?

DEB: You’re more a rum guy, Jackster, but sure. “To the guy who invented zero—thanks for nothing!” That’s more your line, honey.

ME: Oh, we’re doing math jokes? “Using statistics to prove a point is just MEAN!” On average, anyway.

DEB: “I for ONE like Roman numerals.” Is that still a math joke?

ME: Sure! “90% awesome! 15% bad at math!”

DEB: Same vein: “If I had a dollar for every math test I failed, I’d have $12.40.”

ME: Keeping it STEM: “According to Chemistry, alcohol is a solution!”

DEB: “I make chemistry jokes periodically.” Well, not me personally, no…

ME: “A good pun is its own reword,” honey!

DEB: Moving on! “Home is where your wifi connects automatically.” Aw, so true!

ME: “If you boil a funny bone, does it become laughing stock?”

DEB: “I don’t understand your specific kind of crazy, but I admire your commitment to it.” That’s the sort of positive sentiment we need these days!

ME: I’ve known people like this: “I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.”

DEB: “No, you’re right, let’s do it the dumbest way possible because it’s easier for you.” And we’re back to 2021 in a nutshell…

ME: “There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data.”

Deep down, we are all the same… unless we’re pirates. (Argh!)

DEB: And… oh, got it. “Stay inside. Social distance. Clean yourself frequently. OMG, I’ve become a house cat!” As we get ready to enter 2022…

ME: So on an up-note: “Those who love teaching teach others to love learning.” Shout out to James Knight!

¹Yes, we’re retired, but we still get catalogs aimed at people who buy gifts for corporate clients. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

²Deb’s superpower—well, one of them—is being able to visualize where stuff goes, or what could go into stuff. Useful for figuring if she needs boxes, but also great when we were house hunting when we were getting married. Deb could walk through a place and tell me whether all our bookshelves would fit, and in which rooms or hallways. I don’t need no stinkin’ AR goggles, I married the Visualizationator!



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Jack Herlocker

Jack Herlocker

Husband & retiree. Developer, tech writer, & IT geek. I fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches. Occasionally do weird & goofy things.