Conversation with My Wife (214)
You would think, after several years, that there would be nothing new in catalogs, right? Okay, maybe just me…
We get catalogs. Plain, old-fashioned paper catalogs, in the mail. They amuse us at breakfast while we eat our cereal and occasionally provide conversation starters.
ME: Remember all those times we’ve had a meal, and one of us has remarked that it would have been so much better if the French bread had been cut in uniform consistent slices? Yeah, me neither. But somebody invented a French-bread-cutter-guide to prevent future meal disasters. Should we alert The Solitary Cook? She could write it off as a business expense!
DEB: I thought you like Cook? Anyway, somebody obviously has a problem, or it would never have made it to market. Aw! Check out the pillow! “A grandchild reaches out for your hand and touches your heart.” Or a grandniece, sometimes.
ME: Sure, that’s sentimental, but what about a personally monogramed, pebble-grained Italian leather, aluminum alloy… wireless charger? That will probably be obsolete in three years? Oh wait, honey, here’s a nativity scene, you like those!
DEB: (looking) Okay, first off, there aren’t any shepherds.
ME: That’s what you notice first? Not the horrible garish colors? That Joseph is carrying some sort of demented wizard’s staff? Not that Mary is in a full-length gown suitable for a ball, rather than just giving birth in a stable? Maybe the shepherds didn’t make the dress code?
DEB: Jackster, anybody who has nuns and space aliens in their nativity cannot throw stones. Oh, here’s a t-shirt for me: “If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘CHOCOLATE’… I’ll turn around.” Or “I love talking to myself. She gets me.”
ME: We have more baby rompers to choose from, which is good since we added more grand-nieces and -nephews in the last year or so. Could we get away with gifting: “Proof quarantine wasn’t always boring”?
DEB: Not on my side of the family, honey. “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.” Not assigning that to anyone…
ME: “I used to just crastinate., but I got so good I went PRO.” Not assigning that to anyone, either. Well, maybe I’ll get around to it…
DEB: “I don’t curse. I speak fluent trucker with a sailor dialect and a construction accent.” This would have been good for some old coworkers. Or kids on the bus when I was growing up.
ME: I thought the bread cutter was silly, but this may top it: a “London phone booth wine holder.” That’s all it does, hold a bottle of wine. In something shaped like a phone booth. “I’m sorry, we brought a bottle with a boring label.” “No worries, mate, we’ll just stick it in the phone booth! Cheers!” I think this calls for some of that fluent trucker of yours.
DEB: No, honey, that would be better used for this puzzle catalog. They have things like a totally snowy winter scene, where all the pieces are white, dark white, slightly blue white, or darkly blue white. And all the pieces are either fir trees or snow angels.
ME: So how would anyone know you did it wrong?
We do this every year.
Of course we’ll be back with more! What, you thought the picture at the top was from two months ago?
