Conversation with My Wife (53)

If you bookmark this story, and it’s not here when you come back to it, the cops are on to us and we’ve fled the country after destroying the evidence

Good place for a body. Assuming you just killed Andre the Giant. In self defense, of course. This ain’t Nam, man, there are RULES!*

So! Let’s say you come home and there’s a hole in your back yard. Kind of a large one. When you and your spouse/partner see it, what’s your reaction?

Background: No, we didn’t just have a surprise hole in the ground (entirely). As part of our back yard landscaping project, we wanted a waterfall (Deb loves the sound of water, as did her late mother), but not a pond to go with it. Ponds need lots of care, or else the fish die, or you skip the fish but then nothing eats the bugs so you need something to kill the bugs… too hard! But we’d seen pond-less waterfalls at garden shows, and they looked great. Easy.**

We had Deb’s sister and her husband, Rick, over for supper while the project is going on. We described where the waterfall would be going, how it would go over rocks for maximum effect, etc. “Hmm,” said Rick, “where’re they gonna put the tank?” Nope, no tank, you don’t need a tank or pond or anything with a no-pond waterfall, we assured him. “Ooookay,” said Rick, “but you need a lot of water and you need some place to put it.” No, because… actually, y’know, now that I think about it…

So we asked our landscaper during one of our periodic status phone calls. “Oh yeah, we’ll be putting in a holding tank, it’ll be about 800 to a thousand gallons.” Ohhhh…***

So we come home and there’s a hole. Well, of course there is!

ME: That’s… a big hole.

DEB: Good place to put—

BOTH: The bodies.

ME: Under the lining, of course.

DEB: With some lime.

ME: You sure? I’m thinking the acid in the clay soil could handle it.

DEB: Lime. Just to be safe. We could buy some down in Maryland—

BOTH: Paying cash.

Too many mystery shows


*Tip of the Stetson to JB. Where you been lately, dear lady?

**”Easy” meaning someone who knows what they’re doing does the actual work.

***None of this got mentioned at the garden shows. No idea why.