Conversation with My Wife (66.1)
No, we haven’t caught up with the pre-Christmas catalog rush yet… yes, I know the Valentines catalogs are arriving, as are the Easter catalogs…
Going through the catalogs… still…
DEB: Sweatshirt: “Team Oxford, Comma.”
ME: Where do you stand on the Oxford comma?
DEB: A little to the left! (laughs) I need to use more commas than most people because my boss needs to know where to breathe when he’s reading one of my speeches.*
ME: They have a dancing solar Jesus! We should get one for Pastor Dani!
DEB: We are *NOT* getting a dancing Jesus for our pastor.
ME: Look! It’s on Amazon Prime! She’ll love it!
Two clicks later it was on order and yes, our pastor loves it. But she also wears sweaters to the Christmas Eve service with a picture of a long-haired bearded guy in a party hat and “BIRTHDAY BOY” in large print, so…
ME: Seriously?!
DEB: What? “Retro 70s Cookware Collection,” what’s wrong with that?
ME: Look at the picture!
DEB: It looks just like ours, so what?
ME: I bought that when I was settling in my first apartment, and now it’s retro?
DEB: Think about it, honey…
Sweatshirts and t-shirts and plaques, oh my!
ME: “Math: It’s all fun and games, until someone divides by zero.”
DEB: “Surely not EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting!” What have I been saying all these years?
ME: “LET’S GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO ALL THE LIBRARIANS… oh, I’m sorry.”
DEB: “The most dangerous animal in the world is a silent, smiling woman.” What have I been telling you?
ME: “My password is the last eight digits of π.” Great, now I have to change mine…
DEB: “Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. That’s irony.”
ME: I thought irony was the opposite of wrinkly…? No? Ah, science catalog! “YOU MATTER. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light, then YOU ENERGY.”
DEB: “Someday, I amaze myself… other days I find my keys in the fridge.” I should hang that one on our fridge.
ME: As a reminder?
DEB: Duh! Oooh, or this one: “Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, ‘I know things are hard right now, but it’s all going to be okay. Here’s a coffee. And a million dollars.’”
ME: I was ready to step in up to the last part. “I am forever disappointed that a group of squids is not called a squad.” Who decides these things? Can we vote?
DEB: “Honey, no one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.”
ME: Speaking of which: “I prefer my kale with a silent K.” Got that right!
DEB: “Listen! I am a very nice person! So if I’m mean to you, you have to ask yourself why…”
DEB: Here you go, honey, solar system bath bombs!
ME: What? How many? (counts) It’s okay, there are nine, but one of them is the sun, so it’s correct.
DEB: Pluto is still a planet to me, honey! Here we are, planet lollipops, set of TEN. Pluto is still a lollipop!
ME: Not until Ceres gets its due! Okay, these people have planet paperweights… What?! They have the sun, eight planets, and an “ice dwarf”? What crap is that? And it doesn’t look like Pluto or Ceres!
DEB: Jackster, nobody knows what Ceres is. You’ve explained it five times, and *I* still don’t know what Ceres is.
I’d explain (again), but you won’t pay any more attention to me geeksplaining than my wife does. You can read about Ceres here if you want to know about the body that was a planet before Pluto was. It’s a truly facinating… HEY! Where you going? Stick around, you still have a section and a couple footnotes to go!
ME: Uhhhh… Debster, tell me what these look like to you?
DEB: (looking at catalog page) Vibrators. (looking further) Several of them.
ME: This is in a regular catalog! This stuff used to come in plain brown envelopes!**
DEB: (checking cover) The catalog cover talks about feeling good, honey. So comfy socks make you feel good, electric blankets make you feel good, vibrators make you feel good… okay, not you, but… (checks next page) There we go, you’re covered also!
*Deb, among her other duties, writes speeches for the boss, the university president. [said the proud husband proudly]
**Somebody told me once. Long time ago. Details are hazy.
We go through a lot of catalogs:
