Conversation with My Wife (66.2)
“It’s beginning to look a lot like…” Wait. WTF?
So in today’s mail I get a catalog with a Santa doll and “Christmas Preview 2018” on the front. Because it’s never too early to get in the Christmas spirit, eh?
WHAT?! Who the hell came up with that one? IT’S JULY, PEOPLE! OUR A/C IS RUNNING EVERY DAY AND PLANTS ARE DYING IN THE HEAT BECAUSE I ONLY WATERED THEM THREE DAYS AGO! STFU ABOUT CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT!
Because you know how, when you get new catalogs, you put them at the bottom of the pile so you finish the older ones before you start the new ones? Yeah, we don’t do that.
ME: How old is this catalog?
DEB: No idea. Why?
ME: There’s an inflatable Rudolf.
DEB: I’m going to guess at least seven months. Oh, look at this: “If being a person is too difficult, it’s time to be a unicorn. ” Could I do that?
ME: The horn wouldn’t work on you, honey. Here, this would be good if we had a dog, it’s a doormat: “Ring the doorbell, and let me sing you the song of my people! — The Dog”
DEB: “My husband calls me the bomb… Not sure if it’s because I’m super sexy, or I might go off at any moment.” Comments, dear?
ME: Love you, honey! Mean it! “Know what’s cheaper than therapy? Admitting you’re batshit crazy and running with it.” I know someone whose spouse would agree…
DEB: Okay, wait — this one is selling soy candles in “rescued” wine bottles. They cut off the tops! What crazy rescue is that? And what happens when the candle is gone? If I’m lost somewhere, make sure these people don’t try to “rescue” me!
ME: Here’s a tea towel with writing: “They should put more wine in a bottle. So there’s enough for two people.” Why do I feel like Classical Sass is a ghost writer on some of these?
DEB: T-shirt: “Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.” You’d think they would work that kind of advice into a marriage ceremony or something…
ME: Sweat shirt: “I’m beginning to think for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round and round.” Pity that’s not a plaque.
DEB: “Instead of ‘HAVE A NICE DAY’ I think I’ll start saying ‘HAVE THE DAY YOU DESERVE.’ You know, let karma sort that out.” Works for me!
ME: Plaque: “I sprayed orange-scented air freshener in the bathroom, and now it smells like shitrus.” Well… yeah!
DEB: Look at this. Wine glasses. With built-in straws. How have we not seen these before?
DEB: Wouldn’t Linda be appalled?
My ex-wife, the one with the doctorate in education, also has her basic sommelier certification. So now she takes weekend classes where they go through almost 50 wines (which they spit out) and then get tested on what foods to pair with and list the hints of whatever flavors and name the forest where the oak in the caskets grew and I dunno what else. But she does well, because my ex-wife is awesome.
Um, not to be confused with my current wife, who is *A*W*E*S*O*M*E*. With stars and stuff, you notice.
I should probably stop writing now.
Copyright © 2018 by Jack Herlocker; all rights reserved.
Postscript
DEB: So I started to read your Conversation and I could hardly wait to talk to you about it. Then I got near the bottom and I wasn’t going to talk to you about ANYTHING for a while. Then I finished it, and you’re fine. Also: casks are made of oak; caskets are made of pine. One holds wine, the other holds something else.
ME: Thank you, honey! You are *A*W*E*S*O*M*E*! (making little flashy signs with my hands to denote asterisks)
DEB: And maybe some day I’ll learn to pack?
Post-Postscript
A note from Linda, my ex-wife, after reading about the wine glasses and a review that I found saying these glasses replaced having to use a straw to aerate the wine:
Well the wine glasses are, of course appalling. Most of the sense of taste is tied to the sense of smell, which you only get if the wine is close to your nose at the same time as it is close to your mouth. Moreover, if you’re sucking the wine out of the bottom of the glass, you’re more likely to get sediment in an aged unfiltered red or a sur lei white. So… no, not for me. As to the straw thing… Sounds like a moron trying desperately — albeit unsuccessfully — to impress people. That’s the problem with this wine stuff. Too many folks learn a couple things about wine and then think they’re really something. But the fact is that if you study it — really study it — you usually get past the pretentiousness pretty quickly. You figure out that it really is, after all, just food… and a corn dog can be as yummy as caviar to the right person in the right setting. My favorite part of this hobby is when someone talks about what food they like to eat or what kinds of beverages they enjoy, and I can think of at least three wines less than $20 that I’m pretty sure they’d enjoy. And to be honest, I’m usually right!
[Straw in the glass….. my ass….]
