Conversation with My Wife (66.4)
They should have catalog-catalogs… wait, what’s this one…
We like to read catalogs at the breakfast table. Well, “read” might be too strong a term. We glance through them and make fun.
We like food porn catalogs. Especially the kind with full-page photo layouts for the best detail. But sometimes…
DEB: They have bacon-wrapped brussels sprouts.
ME: Seriously? Some poor pig died to wrap around stupid sprouts?
Usually it’s t-shirts and other things with quips.
ME: Here you go, honey! “I don’t care who dies as long as the dog lives.”
DEB: And the children, honey!
True. Any movie with kids in danger is bad; Jurassic Park is a no-no. And all was good on I Am Legend until the dog got bitten by vampires, and then we were done with THAT little horror show.
ME: I should get this for you and [her best friend since the 80s]: “I hope we are friends until we die, and then I hope we can stay ghost friends so we can walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.”
DEB: I need this disclaimer for work: “I’m sorry I slapped you, but you seemed like you would never stop talking and I panicked.”
ME: “Darling, as long as everything is done exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.” Wait, why is my sister’s name written in next to it?
DEB: No clue how that got there. “I cheated on my diet yesterday. With a prettier, sluttier diet.”
ME: “This shirt was created using speech wreck ignition soft wear.” This is why I don’t dictate my Medium posts.
DEB: “Interested in time travel? Meet me here last Thursday, 6PM.”
ME: I think there’s a movie with that premise. Ooh, gift idea for Classical Sass — a double bottle wine carrier that looks like a rolled-up yoga mat.
DEB: Here’s a tea towel to go with it; it says, “They should put more wine in a bottle. So there’s enough for two people.”
ME: “Theiyr’re. Problem solved.”
DEB: Betcha your auto-correction throws a fit if you type that.¹ “Imagine if your cellphone was at 10% but lasted 8 days. Now you understand Hanukkah.”
ME: Religious-themed geek humor? “Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud.”
DEB: “Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.” All. The. Time.
ME: “People think I’m crazy because I talk to animals. Should I just ignore their questions?”
DEB: “If your cat could talk, it wouldn’t.” Even I know that about cats…²
ME: (sing-song) ‘If you’re hapy and you know it, thank your meds!” Never quite enough, alas.
DEB: “Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, dearie, you’re drunk.”
¹It did.
²Deb is a dog person. Not judging, just explaining. I have had both dogs and cats, and I’m fine with both. Dogs are more likely to jump all over the bed when it’s time for breakfast, because *B*R*E*A*K*F*A*S*T*; whereas cats prefer to climb on my chest, sniff my nose to see if I’m breathing, gently place a paw on my face to look for a pulse, and then when I open my eyes give me a startled look like, “Oh! You’re awake!… Didja know my bowl is empty?”
