The Junction
Published in

The Junction

Conversation with My Wife (66.4)

They should have catalog-catalogs… wait, what’s this one…

Our breakfast spot. This was taken before the Christmas tree went up; also on a Saturday, the only day we eat breakfast late enough in the winter to actually see anything outside.

We like to read catalogs at the breakfast table. Well, “read” might be too strong a term. We glance through them and make fun.

We like food porn catalogs. Especially the kind with full-page photo layouts for the best detail. But sometimes…

DEB: They have bacon-wrapped brussels sprouts.

ME: Seriously? Some poor pig died to wrap around stupid sprouts?

Usually it’s t-shirts and other things with quips.

ME: Here you go, honey! “I don’t care who dies as long as the dog lives.”

DEB: And the children, honey!

True. Any movie with kids in danger is bad; Jurassic Park is a no-no. And all was good on I Am Legend until the dog got bitten by vampires, and then we were done with THAT little horror show.

ME: I should get this for you and [her best friend since the 80s]: “I hope we are friends until we die, and then I hope we can stay ghost friends so we can walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.”

Stephen Hawking? Really?

DEB: I need this disclaimer for work: “I’m sorry I slapped you, but you seemed like you would never stop talking and I panicked.”

ME: “Darling, as long as everything is done exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.” Wait, why is my sister’s name written in next to it?

DEB: No clue how that got there. “I cheated on my diet yesterday. With a prettier, sluttier diet.”

ME: “This shirt was created using speech wreck ignition soft wear.” This is why I don’t dictate my Medium posts.

A variation of this also fits most IT troubleshooting.

DEB: “Interested in time travel? Meet me here last Thursday, 6PM.”

ME: I think there’s a movie with that premise. Ooh, gift idea for Classical Sass — a double bottle wine carrier that looks like a rolled-up yoga mat.

DEB: Here’s a tea towel to go with it; it says, “They should put more wine in a bottle. So there’s enough for two people.”

ME: “Theiyr’re. Problem solved.”

DEB: Betcha your auto-correction throws a fit if you type that.¹ “Imagine if your cellphone was at 10% but lasted 8 days. Now you understand Hanukkah.”

ME: Religious-themed geek humor? “Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud.”

DEB: “Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.” All. The. Time.

ME: “People think I’m crazy because I talk to animals. Should I just ignore their questions?”

DEB: “If your cat could talk, it wouldn’t.” Even I know that about cats…²

For Classical Sass, S Lynn Knight 🖖🏳️‍🌈, Annie Littlewolf, and my other musical peeps.

ME: (sing-song) ‘If you’re hapy and you know it, thank your meds!” Never quite enough, alas.

DEB: “Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, dearie, you’re drunk.”

¹It did.

²Deb is a dog person. Not judging, just explaining. I have had both dogs and cats, and I’m fine with both. Dogs are more likely to jump all over the bed when it’s time for breakfast, because *B*R*E*A*K*F*A*S*T*; whereas cats prefer to climb on my chest, sniff my nose to see if I’m breathing, gently place a paw on my face to look for a pulse, and then when I open my eyes give me a startled look like, “Oh! You’re awake!… Didja know my bowl is empty?”

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