Mar 31, 2019
Conversation with My Wife (66.5)
It’s just spring, flowers are blooming… and we’ve almost finished the Christmas catalogs!
We like to page through catalogs at breakfast.
For those of you joining us late, we point stuff out to each other as we browse.
ME: This is nice! A shattered glass ceiling necklace — “A tribute to all women who have ever crushed it.” It’s a piece of broken glass in a pendant.
DEB: Do they glue the glass back together? I’m just thinking that the last thing I need is pieces of broken glass falling into my cleavage.
ME: It doesn’t say. Wait, this one makes no sense. It’s a necklace with a smiley face with three eyes.
DEB: (looking) Yes. Or, possibly, a crescent moon with three stars? (in my defense, she was looking at it 90° angled from me) T-shirt for us: “I find myself to be exorbitantly superannuated for this feculence!”
ME: “Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just cuddle.”
DEB: “People say I’m condescending. [That means I talk down to people.]” Oh, like when someone with a PhD and no sense of time tries to explain to me how a scheduling calendar works?
ME: Also for you, honey: “People… Not a big fan.” How many days until retirement?
DEB: Not ready to see that posted yet. And yes, I know your Medium peeps will keep a secret and nobody from my office reads this, but still. Here we go: “If you see me talking to myself, I’m just getting expert advice.” All. The. Time.
ME: “Let me see the candy first, THEN I’ll get into the van. I’m not stupid.”
DEB: “The SERMONATOR” — I wonder if our pastors would want one of these?
ME: For you, honey: “When life gives you rainy days, wear cute boots and jump in the puddles.”
DEB: Aw! With our three-year-old grandniece? Any time! Here: “I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions.” Got that right.
ME: You give great directions, honey bunches!
DEB: You might be a tad prejudiced, Jackster. “It’s not hoarding if it’s books.” SO true!
ME: You and Erika Sauter. “I get LIVID when I forget how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.”
DEB: “95% awesome, 15% bad at math.” What’s wrong with— wait…
ME: “My wife says I have two faults: I don’t listen and… something else.”
DEB: What, honey? I wasn’t listening. (sticks out tongue at me) Aww, I wish our grandniece was still little enough to be in onesies! One says, “I’ll have a bottle of the house white”; the other says, “I drink until I pass out.”
ME: Look at these. Know who they’d be perfect for?
BOTH: Linda!
My ex-wife is a second-level sommelier, and also an excellent musician and composer. Not bragging, just stating facts. She and Deb get along great. Although Classical Sass would also be able to make good use of these, I suspect.
So until the next set of holiday catalogs arrive… which should be around July, if memory serves me…
Copyright ©2019 by Jack Herlocker. All rights reserved, although let’s face it, I borrowed almost all of this from catalogs, so who am I kidding?
