Covid-19 is Sooo Last Season. Here are the Covid-21 Trends and Predictions

Covid-19 brought back into fashion the old familiar accessory— masks. But for those tired of last season’s dull minimalism, the new wave has quite some extravagant options and must-have items to offer that promise to go viral…

Let’s start with the basics. Egyptians, Antient Greeks, Aztecs, Venetians… They all had so much fun. That’s the key trend inspiring a plethora of new season’s hot — and cold — mask alternatives.

1. Eye mask — going to become compulsory in all places, for your own protection. Sleep well, even on the move.

2. Carnival mask — apparently Venice is making a comeback so let’s help it out even more. This has always been the perfect option for those freedom lovers. I especially love the masks with loooong noses, for automatic social distance. Or, the tragic Greek masks for those willing to show us a bit of empathy!

3. Cow head —ideally a real one, easy to pick up from your local slaughter house along with a couple of traces of Cowid. Or go for a hand-made. Gutted or not. Acts as double protection by ensuring social distance of a few kilometers, as well as a healthy supply of nice fresh grass, still trapped between the cow’s teeth.

4. Gas mask — just always handy and you never know why not.

5. Cardboard Zalando box — wondered what to do with your collection of 300 Zalando shoe boxes? They’ll go on wonderfully over your head. Holes for the eyes are optional for an edgier look but not necessary if you already have an eye mask on.

6. Bin bag. Come in a variety of colours, from black to yellow to pink making it a clear gorgeous alternative.

7. Snorkeling mask with an optional snorkel. And optional optical lenses, for those fed up with the last season’s ‘mask and sweaty glasses’ combo.

8. Mask painted over with a much prettier nose and lips than yours. Like those of Dracula or Donald Duck.

9. Face screens are not effective apparently, but we’ve had a similar yet effective alternative for years — condom. With a bit of stretching it should go on. And since you’ve lost a bit of weight due to those closed restaurants, it should fit nicely round your hollow cheekbones. They have already shown to work well with a whole array of other better known viruses. So let’s face it, can anything be sexier?

10. Ducktape wrapped generously around the mouth, and a peg for the nose. And in case you’re wondering, yes, you can manage. Here’s a little song to back up this claim with evidence:

“Turtles and sea cucumbers

both can breathe through their asses

easily,

side by side on this planet, oh Lord —

why don’t we???”

11. The good old black stocking. Just think about it, back in the dark ages of 2019, they would have petrified….

12. Your dirty underwear. Actually, perfect shape, size and fit. Really. Try it.

13. Mask with a hole for those unable to stop their chain smoking habit on the street. A DIY tip here — cut the hole into the shape of your mouth. (You’ll still be wearing a mask so all is good.)

14. Deep cleansing mud face mask. A nice variety of colours, black to green, capable of good and deep nose and mouth coverage. Very good for your skin so you stay younger and thus less attractive to the virus!

Then, there are these hot outfits:

To be damn sure you’re well protected complete the mask with one of these outfits:

1. Surgeon’s outfit — Head to toe, total protection. Complete with a scalpel, hot off the operation table, and perfume yourself with the gel.

2. NASA space suit — who knew this invention would be much more useful on this planet than in space? Though you may need it for that, too, soon, depending on how things go here… Thus, great investment.

3. Scuba diving suit. A perfect accompaniment to your snorkeling mask. And of course, complete with a nice roomy oxygen tank.

And finally, a few must-have items this season:

1. Wheelchair. This way, wherever you go, you’re sitting down so technically speaking you and those around you are totally safe. Also might get some nice handicapped discounts.

2. French baguette. Not good at estimating the 1.5m distance? Well, with a baguette you should be able to tell easily. 1.5 baguettes maybe, glued to one another… Unless you have a wheelchair, then just eat that baguette.

3. Bike. If you don’t like the confines of a wheelchair, or the lavish cover-up options, use the freedom of a bike which lets you go places without going undercover! Works great inside large spaces such as supermarkets, concert halls, or your hip open-plan office. Unless you’re telecommuting—which, as the name suggests, means sitting in front of the tele commuting between Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime. Which brings me to the next item.

4. Bigger better tele. More space, more telecommuting, at a safer distance.

5. Renewed passport or ID card photo — with a mask on. Yes, ‘you can leave your mask on’ (for at least 9.5 months…) In fact, you must because otherwise no one will recognise you when you try to cross those barbed-wired borders or receive money from your Western Union Nigerian pen friend. (Hmm, here’s an idea…) But please, no hats, glasses or smiles, as usual — just because there is a crisis, doesn’t mean we get to bend the rules…

6. Bar. Because this season bars are set to finally get the resect they deserve. As the A & E wards get busier and busier and ignore you more than ever, you have a better chance to get all the urgent health check-ups in a bar. Like getting your temperature, oxygen levels, blood tests taken… Thus, at last, the bar will fulfill its true function— a place to run to in case of emergency.

And don’t forget to look on the bright side (through the holes in your overhead Zalando shoebox):

If you’re ugly, no one will know! Save those thousands you were planning to spend on a plastic surgeon and instead get yourself a few cases of Corona. Or of Heineken. Or of vintage Dom Perignon, better.

Then go have a real blast sharing all those with your social bubble, so luckily limited to just a couple of persons. That’s if you ever even had that many friends, otherwise, you get to have it all to yourself!

And no more brushing teeth! Garlic is your new best friend (apparently protective against Covid! Makes sense actually, same way as the cow head…)

And yes, Halloween should be cancelled. Carnival too. Christmas parties. Because why do you need any of those silly old excuses when you can choose from such a glorious list of obligatory accessories, hot outfits and must-have everyday items. While counting how many cases of Corona are left to get through…