Dell, an American Lie
an elegy
[Read to the tune of the song “American Pie”]
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how
Recommending Dell made me smile…
And I knew if I had my chance
I could type up sweet words that dance,
And maybe keep us happy…for a while
But the end of May made me sweat
Every other day, I’d second guess
Bad news, a crash of fate,
I clicked yes on Windows update
I can assure you that I tried
To stay calm when I feared Dell was fried,
But when my yoga didn’t play, I cried,
The day my laptop died…
So
Bye, bye you piece o’ shit, Dell
Drove my ‘Yota to the coast
To get away from this hell
Cursed those bored lil’ boys
Making malware, still
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’ll buy
A new laptop brand that won’t lie
Did you write a book that sells?
And do you have faith in tech that tells
If Amazon’s hits really show?
Do you trust the power of scroll?
A help-line that saves your mortal soul?
Can you teach me to back-up files…real slow?
I knew for sure that Dell’d make it right
I called their hotline that same night
They said help was on the way,
Expect it in a couple days!
Well, after 6 weeks and countless calls,
Faith was broken, they’d dropped the ball
’Cause last time they hung up on me
Sealed the last dime they’d ever see
I’m a college student without a buck,
With an old, busted ‘Yota and pickup truck
And I knew I was out of luck,
The day my laptop died
I started singin’
Bye, bye useless hunk o’ shit, Dell
Wrote this post to warn the people —
Stay away from your hell,
Customer service failed
And I’m angry, still
Singin’ this’ll be the day that I’ll buy
Another laptop that won’t die
Hello there, lovely people. I hope this poem may perhaps explain my recent disappearance. Please forgive my slowness in responding to over 1000+ notifications! I’ve missed you, and look forward to reading you again (with my new HP laptop, thank you very much).
