Emails to students — or — maintaining my sanity in a dull job
A while ago I was walking down the hall at school and ran into my FCE students and they were all eager to tell me that they were emailing me directions to their houses. Now, most of my students like me, but to hear about them emailing me directions to their homes, I didn’t quite know what to think. I asked them why they were all emailing me. Apparently I was going to be staying with them at their homes, didn’t I know? Hadn’t the other teachers told me?
After a few minutes of bewilderment I put it together that this was their writing teacher’s way of motivating them to actually do that week’s assignment, which was writing an informal email. My colleague adapted the assignment in the book to be an email from me, telling them that I was returning to Turkey after 5 years of being away and needed advice about where I should go. The students had to draft responses to me.
Unbeknownst to my students, my colleague gave me their emails and I had a great time constructing various responses. When I distributed them in class all of the students were busy reading and comparing their stories, and one girl looked up from hers and said aloud, “Teacher, I think… I think this is absurd.” Absurd it was. Below are the top four.
Hi Buse!
Thank you so much for your quick response to my email. Sorry it’s taken a while for me to reply, but my caretakers don’t let me use the internet often. I realized after I sent you the last email that I didn’t even ask to stay at your place. I’m so thankful you’re willing to accommodate me! Your directions to your house from the airport are very clear, so I should have no problems finding it.
Thanks for the recommendations for trips in Turkey, too! I’m disappointed that you won’t be able to join me on any excursions outside of Istanbul but I’m sure you’ll have fun at your cousin’s wedding. I have already been to Cappadocia so I might not go there, but I hear there is a museum of a famous mental institution in Edirne. Part of the reason I would like to see this museum relates to why I had to leave Turkey in 2014. You probably already heard the story, but I’ll tell it again.
I really liked reading ESL textbooks when I was teaching at Beykent University. Every night I’d go home and read New English File until 3am. The only problem was I started to become a bit obsessive about it. I started to collect sets of them and arrange them by color in my apartment. Soon my interest spread to other books as well. Cutting Edge, Open Forum, Person to Person, Face to Face, Speak Up, etc. I couldn’t stop myself, I had to have them all. Then one day my landlord visited my flat and complained about me to the police, because I had completely filled the flat with ESL textbooks. You couldn’t even walk through the front door! The police then informed the Institute for Higher Education, who then said I was mentally unfit to be an English teacher and revoked my work permit. I no longer had a job, so I had to return to Michigan, where I was put in an institution for helping hoarders, or obsessive collectors, as I like to say. I’ve been living here since then, but I’m much better now and they will let me out next week.
Anyway, I’m excited about my new career in the arts and the new life ahead of me. As you can understand, I had to get out of English teaching because all those textbooks are too tempting for me. I’m going to be working in Art History so I’ll be very happy to see the history and art museums in Istanbul. If you can come with me to them, that would be great! But please, don’t let me buy any art books, I don’t want to start up old habits again!
See you soon!
Hi Emre!
Thanks so much for your response, and I’m glad to hear that you’ll be able to host me. Would you believe it, none of the others wanted to let me stay at their house; they don’t even want to see me! I suppose it’s related to why I stopped teaching and had to leave Turkey four years ago. I know it was a big story back then, but maybe I should refresh your memory.
One day when I was waiting for the 41E to go home in the evening, I saw the local goat running towards the bus stop. I was a bit frightened, so I started to run away, hoping to hide inside Has Antepli restaurant and escape the angry goat. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it and the goat attacked me, biting off three fingers, my nose and a chunk of my ear.
It turned out that the goat had rabies, so I had to be vaccinated. Because I’d lost three fingers, I could no longer hold chalk to write on the chalkboard, so I could no longer teach. Besides, I was so embarrassed about being attacked by the local goat and I couldn’t bear the students’ laughter. Everyone used to compliment my nose but now they just pointed and laughed. I went back to the United States to reexamine what to do with my life, and I decided to go back to school. I’m going to focus on the history of the use of goats in art, from the Byzantines to the present era.
Thanks for the recommendation to go to Cappadocia and see the fairy chimneys. I went there a few years ago and it was lovely. Now, however, I’m much more interested in goats. I hear that Kilis, a small town near Gaziantep, is famous for their goats. Do you know anything about Kilis? What should I do there when I’m not busy with my goat research? I’m sorry you’re too busy with school to join me, I’m sure you would love to join me. But maybe you can find good art exhibits in Istanbul that focus on goats. If you could let me know about where I can find good goat art, I’d really appreciate it. I don’t know what the Pera has concerning goats, but that’s a good idea for a place to start.
Anyway, thanks again for welcoming me back and letting me stay with you. It’ll be so good to catch up! Take care!
Hi Merve!
Thanks so much for your response, and I’m so excited to see you soon! Do you think if I go to your place by bus I’ll have trouble with my wheelchair? Also, is your home wheelchair-friendly? I’m so excited that at least some of my former students still want to see me. I’ve stopped teaching, as I’m sure you know, the story made headlines a few years ago. Do you remember it?
As you know, I liked to tell puns in class, but many of my students didn’t like them. Sometimes they would even become angry! Anyway, after I told my favorite pun one day (about the shy little pebble that bumps into a magic lamp and wishes she were a little boulder), my students rebelled against me and threw me out of the classroom 308 window. I shattered my legs and have never been able to walk since then. Who knew my jokes were so bad that they would one day cripple me? Anyway, I went home to be with my family as I recovered. I’m excited to be coming back to Turkey, but don’t worry, I won’t tell any more puns. I’ve learned my lesson!
I’m glad to hear that you’re taking a Japanese language course! I wouldn’t think that you would have time for that, since you’re so busy with your new job as the mayor. I think it would be nice if you could put up some signs alerting people that the area is a “no-pun zone” so that nobody else has the same fate as I had on that awful day. I also think you should do something about the goat problem in Ayazağa. Sometimes they can be angry and attack people. I heard a story about one man losing his fingers, nose and a chunk of his ear after being attacked by the local goat! But I know you’re busy and these are minor concerns, so if you are unable to do them, I understand.
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t want to join me when I visit the art museums. You don’t know what you’re missing! I guess I’ll have to roll around from exhibit to exhibit by myself. If you can let me know which ones I should definitely see, and if they’re wheelchair-friendly or not, I’d really appreciate it!
I’m really glad to be coming to see you, and don’t worry, I won’t tell you any bad jokes. I’ll let you know my flight details as the date comes closer.
See you soon!
Hi Cansu!
Thanks so much for your message! I’m so excited to be coming back to Turkey and I’m glad that you’ll be able to host me. I’m afraid the taxis from the airport are too expensive for me, all my money I made when I was here went to pay for my operation. I have an idea though, why don’t you just send a driver to take me from the airport to your place?
You may not recognize me when I come, so much has happened in the last five years since we had our class. That summer I decided to have a hair transplant. After so many years of baldness I was tired of everyone making fun of me all the time. I was so self-conscious! You wouldn’t believe how mean people can be to you when you’re bald. Besides, my head would get very cold in the winters.
Anyway, after my hair transplant surgery, I looked completely different. I had become so handsome that the students were afraid to look at me. Sometimes they would even start crying in class and eventually just stopped coming to my lessons. But it wasn’t only the students who were affected by my beautiful new hair! The teachers were all jealous of me. They all stopped talking to me and sometimes would write hateful messages and leave them on my desk. They even tried to light my hair on fire once. I came to regret my hair transplant because it made me so handsome that everyone turned against me. I decided to go into solitude and live alone in the woods, where my beauty wouldn’t cause anyone to hate me.
I’m so thankful for your advice on what to see when I’m in Turkey. Başdeğirmen sounds like a lovely place, I’m sure I will love their breakfast. But can it be better than the breakfast at Kale restaurant by Rumeli Hisarı? Also, for art museums, I’m currently interested in art that deals with social problems resulting from body enhancement surgery, specifically with the dangers of hair transplant surgeries. If you have any ideas about that, I would really love your help.
Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing you again! I’ll inform you of my flight details as the date gets closer. See you soon!
P.S. Do you know which shops sell the best hair gel?
