How Every NBA Team NOT Going to Disney Turns Their Franchise Around WITHOUT Getting Better
By Justin Borak
In the viral article from The Ringer’s Dan Devine, “The Biggest Offseason Question for Every NBA Team Not Headed to Disney: Part 1 & Part 2”, he described to the reader what moves could be made for the falling apart franchises to turn it around and find themselves in playoff contention next year. While thinking positive and finding solutions are great…that’s not how they got here, these teams got to where they are for making the wrong moves, not being the best basketball players and putting too much stock in Blake Griffin (Come on Pistons, Griffin and Rose? Are you building a presence in the AARP?).
These teams are in the shitter, so how do these teams get ELITE without getting good at the sport they play? Easy, move on to something more fit for your skill set. Like when I tried out for the football team in highschool and through my dad’s disappointment learned I’m a comedian, it’s time for the Cavaliers and Timberwolves to figure if they could shift over to the MLS, if Trae Young could hold his own in The Nutcracker, and if Colby White might be better off working for google (if his coding is as inconsistent as his defense we might wanna start with Bing).
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Record: 19–45
One Good Basketball Thing: November of 2019 they went 5–1 in Away Games (They only won 4 more for the rest of the season but who’s counting)
The Timberwolves have a lot going for them and are currently at the beginning of a strong rebuilding era. While the trade for Karl Anthony-Towns to play with fellow TImberwolve and best buddy, D’Angelo Russel was a smart move and creates to strong franchise players that we know work well together…it also could create chemistry paralleling the likes of Pippen and Jordan, Abbott and Castello or even Penn and Teller. The move here is obvious, start a traveling circus with Towns and Russell as your ring leaders. With fast paced talent like Malik Beasley on the trapeze as a complementary player and Evan Turner bringing the most unpredictable talent to the ring, the audience will always be on the edge of their seat. Swap out the Lions for Wolves and bring in the rich, white dude energy coursing through the veins of Owner, Glen Taylor, and this isn’t a team I’d root for but I’d spend $14 on Stubhub to see Josh Okogie try to do his best Hugh Jackman impression in the parking lot of a highschool in rural America (Coincidentally, $14 on Stubhub is actually a $13.50 increase from their average tickets so #PROGRESS).
ATLANTA HAWKS
Record: 20–47
One Good Basketball Thing: Trae Young and Clint Capela would be great on a winning team
The Hawks are a weird one, you would think with talent like Capela, Young, and Collins they would be holding their own. You might say they are in a “building” phase but I say it’s time to jump off the court and onto the screen. The Atlanta Hawks next step is a reboot of James Franco’s film, 127 Hours, called 127 years. While the Hawks are full of young talent, this film will follow 43 year-old Vince Carter (In NBA years, that about two Betty Whites) reflecting on being one of the oldest people in the NBA and somehow still doing it. It will do a deep dive into his training, his pill regimen, how he got into basketball, where he goes to repair his ear piece, and even look into his assistant who helps set up deals for him AND double as 24/7 caregiver. The film seems to be a documentary series, but in the third act we see him trying to keep up with the young guys on an outdoor run and get stuck in a crevasse in the very real, Atlanta Desert. Spoiler Alert: He cuts off his hand and he still goes on to play for three more seasons.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
Record: 19–46
One Good Basketball Thing: LeBron still counts, right?
The Cleveland Cavaliers had the worst record in the east and might be the least likely to be successful in the NBA out of all of these teams any time soon (and this is coming from a Cav’s fan so you know we have lost all hope). With rough drafts, huge money-sucking contracts, and all of our promising talent seems to be under 21 and maybe have the ceiling of Bugs Bunny from Space Jam there’s not much this ragtag group of Kevin Love worshippers can be good at on OR off the court. Ohio currently is seeing a lot of Coronavirus cases like many states in the Midwest, so what if we saw the current Cavaliers team adjunct teach for Cleveland State University. Of course full professorship would be tough seeing how they don’t have the respect for it but think of all the good they could do! Cedi Osman teaching “How to Help Just Enough to Not be Fired but Not be Noticed”, Andre Drummond’s “Losing Vs. Money: Why One Matters and it’s Not Losing”, or even Kevin Love’s “History of Minnesota: My Pride and Joy”. This would double as a benefit for the younger assets like Kevin Porter, Colin Sexton, and Darius Garland allowing them to attend school for a second time and possibly find a major and career better suited for 3 guys with the abilities that are similar to the “best player” at your local YMCA.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Record: 15–50
One Good Basketball Thing: I mean, this could actually be a great team next year.
The Golden State Warriors will be the only team getting this reassurance, KEEP PLAYING BASKETBALL. While this season, the Warriors had the luck Spike Lee’s special MSG entrance, next year Steph and Klay will both be back. They still have Draymond Green and with recently acquired Andrew Wiggins they could go back to being their old selves and put the literal garbage fire San Francisco fans were forced to watch 65 times this year in a book on the shelves of Steven Kerr’s office in between his valentines to Jordan and Curry.
NEW YORK KNICKS
Record: 21–45
One Good Basketball Thing: Uhhh, I would say you have good luck charm Spike Lee but y’all might have lost him (really, not letting him in an employee entrance? He’s the most reliable staple in the franchise since Phil jackson)
The Knicks have been in the “worst team” conversation longer than most others on this list so if there is any team looking for a new direction, it’s them. But this historically shitty run for the storied franchise will work in their favor because the New York Knicks are going on a full roster stand up tour! Something like the Blue Collar Tours with Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy or any Kevin Hart Tour where all his buddies from Philly who DON’T do comedy do a tight 15 before him, this show is gonna be starring the full roster struggling through their own 10 minute try at what Blake Griffin couldn’t do. Hear stories from Juilius Randle and Kevin Knox on times at Kentucky and John Calipari’s obvious ties to the mob or how Reggie Bullock was TECHNICALLY on the same team as LeBron once (6 months during the off season) and how wonderful that felt. The team can even end on a high note with someone wheeling out a hoop and them trying to drop more than 70 points in 48 minutes which some might say is the biggest joke of all.
CHICAGO BULLS
Record: 22–43
One Good Basketball Thing: This team wouldn’t be terrible if they weren’t always hurt so they probably have a good healthcare plan.
Damn, the Bulls are in a super tricky spot. With big scorers like Zach Lavine and Colby White, plus some great big men like Wendell Carter Jr. and Otto Porter you would assume they would be mediocre at least at the sport they play. One big issue comes down to the leadership, so what is something these ballers can do without a leader? The Chicago Bulls are dropping the jerseys and putting on running shoes and ties because they will be selling Cutco Knives door-to-door. No need for leadership here, just being able to go up to random people and seel silverware, or even better…get them to sell for you. While the biggest fault in this is, “How can the Bulls partake in a pyramid scheme if they all have the garbage personality of Ron Artest on a bad day with a mean fan”? Yes it is an issue that Zach Lavine always looks “sad high” and Colby White seems to be afraid of the media after games but…what else can you do with shit leadership? Maybe run marathons but look at Luke Kornet, you’ll kill the man.
CHARLOTTE HORNETS
Record: 23–42
One Good Basketball Thing: Their starting 5 would all be GREAT 6th Mans on any other team.
With a team like the Hornets, you know their top, number one need this off season is a new center, and small forward…also, a point guard, shooting guard and power forward. Even though they have Devonte’ Graham who has a ceiling and floor on potential stretching for miles, we have no clue what all these young, progressing players are gonna do so this idea is pretty simple. Go to the NCAA. I propose the Charlotte Hornets become the University of Charlotte Hornets (or Charlotte A&M Hornies), play in a league that is more suited for you. While there is no chance Cody Zeller is gonna help going up against Embiid or Jokic, boy would he crush against whoever is the current center at Florida Atlantic University. Who knows, maybe Terry Rozier will finally live up to the hype and not have the same career as Greg Oden or Jimmer Ferdette (Go Shanghai Sharks). One thing is for certain, with the Hornets in the NCAA you probably won’t win the national championship but the elite eight would be cool! And North Carolina will finally know what it’s like to win a basketball game.
DETROIT PISTONS
Record: 20–46
One Good Basketball Thing: Go watch old videos of Blake Griffin dunking, cool, right? He doesn’t do that anymore but he’s on the Pistons! So cool!
I know I made the “old guy” joke in the intro and with the Hawks but get ready for more. Jesus, it’s like the pistons raided a very expensive retirement home for their roster. John Henson, Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose? Yeah, maybe Rose had a good season but he might have just been taking a few extra doses of pills the nice nurse comes by with each night accompanied by Jell-o and a sponge bath. So what could a bunch of rich old guys slowly being phased out of what they are best known for succeed at? The Detroit Pistons are going to start the secret society of the NBA. Like all the politicians, CEO’s and actors from Yale and Harvard with nothing better to do, the Detroit Pistons are going to start an underground association to house the NBA’s biggest and darkest secrets. Huge secrets like did Delonte West really have an affair with LeBron’s mom, does Stephon Marbury have a diet that only consists of Vaseline, and of course, how big IS Shaq’s dick. The best part of all of this, the Pistons are so irrelevant no one would ever expect a thing…and finally they will be known for something that wasn’t 15 years ago.
