How to cope with a heatwave at almost no cost

All personally tried and tested and failed

100. Queue in a shop. If you live in a city where the only air-conditioned place is the supermarket, follow these simple steps. Pick the shop with the longest possible queue and join in. (Luckily you’re probably not the only one doing this so long queues should be easy to find and should only get longer with your help.) When, if ever, the queue is over, just get back in. If they notice and kick you out, go to a different shop.

3. And if you really love that supermarket and just don’t see yourself leaving, dress up as any frozen product (e.g. peas, squid rings, spinach, leg of lamb), and hang around until the workers notice and put you into the freezer where you can sleep comfortably until the heat passes. This helps you actually save money on annoying things like food and rent.

24. Sleep in a shower, or if you’re lucky and have one, a bath! This is the strategy my cat uses. And to wake up you can just accidentally kick the shower’s on switch.

3. Store everything in the freezer. Knives, forks, your fingers, your coffee, your laptop, your bedsheets. And if you don’t defrost the freezer and let the ice accumulate, it’s extra fun to get the stuff out. Impossible, in fact, without violently crushing the ice with a fork or a hammer for hours. It’s a nice way to pass time on a hot afternoon. You’re welcome!

4. Carry a water pistol and randomly shoot at yourself – ideally in the head, and at everyone on the street to help them cool down. This requires frequent water refills, so consider a water rifle or a cannon, depending on your needs. It’s also a nice way to make friends as grateful strangers will go to great lengths to thank you, maybe even take you into their air-conditioned homes for the night!

594. Follow an ice cream van. It’s similar to walking behind a smoker enjoying a cigarette if you don’t want to pay for them yourself. Except following an ice cream van doesn’t actually help with the heat – unless you actually keep buying ice cream – but the music is adorable and looking at all the stuff on offer might just cheer you up. And as it moves, you get to move around the city in search of a much more sensible option…