The Junction
Published in

The Junction

If I Had the Courage

white flowers on wooden coffin
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk from Pexels

If I had the courage, I would be able to say so much.
My thank yous, I’m sorrys, I miss yous, and I love yous.
I sound like I’m clinging to the past
But I know I can’t see you anymore.
Cause the walls have been put up already

All that I took for granted -
What I no longer have -
I sound harsh but I think that’s just me.
Blunt, and totally blind to this thing.
This vague reference they call love and home.
I never knew I loved you until I let you go…

If I had the courage, I would say I’m sorry.
For all the tears I’ve caused you.
For the vent up frustration from when I was stubborn.
It’s true that I don’t understand you,
Maybe I never will.
We didn’t work well together and maybe that’s why
I’m sorry for all the miscommunication.
Had that not happened, we might still be on good terms.
Both of us overanalyze,
Like when I thought you hated me,
Or when you thought I was ignoring you.

If I had the courage, I could stop being scared.
Dead scared for the guilt and regret to come.
Yes, I’m a lucky child.
But the sounds outside scare me.
They always come in waves.
And when the damage is done -
You’ll find me sobbing my heart out.
Sobbing and writing until the pain goes away
I’m scared of what I’ll do when I’m vulnerable.

If I had the courage, I’d take off my mask.
The facade has been up for so long -
Bubbly and loud with a smile on my face.
But in the moment the mirror cracks,
What will happen next?

If I had the courage to say thank you.
God, I don’t even know where to begin,
You have no idea how much you changed me —
No one understood me but you
No one saw the REAL me but you.

You’re the reason why I can be honest —
About my feelings,
About my thoughts,
About everything.

Even though I don’t see you anymore,
Our past has helped me.
It gets me through the pain and suffocation.
You brought me out of my comfort zone,
And I love you dearly for that.

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