I’m the God of Traffic Lights
I’m one of the newest gods. Only the God of Cell Phone Reception has been on the job for a shorter period. I don’t have the powers of the older gods. I can’t twirl the clouds into a hurricane or summon a tsunami from the ocean depths, but trust me — I can irritate you and make you late for your appointment. I can also allow you to breeze through a heavenly string of green lights.
I can cause all four lights at an intersection to flash red. That can snarl things up more than an episode of The Tiger King. I have more in my bag of tricks. One of my favorites is to allow the guy who just cut you off to squeak through the light while you have to stop. Karma really isn’t my thing. The nicer you are to other drivers, the more red lights you’ll hit. That’s just the way I work. If you don’t like it, complain to my boss. If he’s even listening to you.
Sometimes, I team up with the God of Eternal Highway Construction, and we have some laughs at your expense. Things get boring up here. Gotta lighten things up occasionally, right?
If you don’t believe in me, next time you get into your car, honk at an old lady, pass her on the right, and flip her off. Watch the lights turn green. However, look out for that intersection where all the lights are green. That’s above my pay grade, but sometimes the overworked God of Making Assholes Pay plays that card.
