Jurassic Universe: Jurassics in Space
In which I write the next Jurassic Park movie.
So, I saw the latest Jurassic World and, I have to admit, it wasn’t that exciting. There is a certain amount of pleasure to be derived from watching dinosaurs chase people around, however, there were a number of things that I really wanted to see that they left out. I’m worried they will also leave them out of the next movie, unless I step in and write it.
So that is what I have done.
JURASSIC UNIVERSE: JURASSICS IN SPACE
INT. WORLD LEADERS HEADQUARTERS-DAY
PRIME MINISTER OF SPAIN: I don’t see how we can allow dinosaurs to keep running around on Earth. Every time it happens, lots of people die. Yes, we keep saying “this time it will be different” but it never is. And, I don’t care how much money the movies make, it’s the tax payers who have to pay the cost of all the dinosaur retrieval operations.
PRESIDENT OF THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA: Agreed. China does not appreciate dinosaurs roaming around the Great Wall and eating tourists, no matter how stunning the resulting National Geographic photos are.
IAN MALCOLM: They paid me $1,000,000 to show up in this scene and take my shirt off. (removes shirt)
PRESIDENT OF FINLAND: Not bad.
PRESIDENT OF USA: We could-
CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY: If you say “build a wall” I will scream.
PRESIDENT OF USA: Build a big, beautiful wall.
CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY: (screams quietly)
IAN MALCOLM: Life finds a way.
KING OF SWAZILAND: I think I’ve heard that before somewhere.
INT. JURASSIC UNIVERSE SPACE STATION-DAY
The camera swoops around the majestic Jurassic Universe Space Station. All kinds of dinosaurs live there. The music soars and the audience remembers what it feels like to be a child, when impossible things were still possible and they were still capable of feeling wonder and joy. The dinosaurs roar.
The camera zooms in on CHRIS PRATT who is standing in the control room with a group of quirky YOUNG PEOPLE. Some of them are children. There is a small dinosaur on Chris Pratt’s shoulder.
INTERCHANGEABLE YOUNG PERSON #1: Wow! This is so fire!
INTERCHANGEABLE YOUNG PERSON #2: But not like actual fire, because this is a space station and that would be bad. “Fire” is just something we young people say to mean “awesome”.
INTERCHANGEABLE YOUNG PERSON #1: Righto!
INTERCHANGEABLE YOUNG PERSON #3: We love you, Chris Pratt! Could you explain why we’re all here today?
CHRIS PRATT: Absolutely, young person! We’re so excited to have you visit us today on the Jurassic Universe Space Station, where you’re all helping us out with the dinosaurs as unpaid interns! This is such a great opportunity for you! The Jurassic Universe Space Station exists because dinosaurs are no longer allowed on Earth.
YOUNG PEOPLE: Yay!
CLAIRE: (enters control room in sneakers)
CHRIS PRATT: (light sexual harassment played for laughs)
CLAIRE: We don’t have time for this! The ODINODON is loose!
CHRIS PRATT: Not the ODINODON! That’s the most dangerous dinosaur ever created!
CLAIRE: I know! Will you help us?
CHRIS PRATT: I told you people to stop playing God! The only thing we can do now is (dramatic pause) wait to die.
The YOUNG PEOPLE are understandably upset. They look at CHRIS PRATT and CLAIRE. Behind the group, through the control room window, stars are visible. A dinosaur drifts into view. It has large teeth and is wearing a space suit. This is the ODINODON.
INT. ANOTHER CONTROL ROOM-DAY
CHRIS PRATT and CLAIRE are running around pushing various buttons. The space station shakes and lights flicker. The small dinosaur on Chris Pratt’s shoulder is nervous.
CHRIS PRATT: Why did you have to fuse dinosaur DNA with human DNA? Anyone could have told you it was a terrible idea! Now we have a dinosaur with the intelligence of an average stock broker combined with the killing power of a T-Rex and it’s going to kill us all!
CLAIRE: I know! I know! I just couldn’t help it. If this experiment worked, it could have cured cancer forever!
CHRIS PRATT: That checks out.
CLAIRE: (looks at screen) Oh no! The ODINODON has exited the space station with all the other dinosaurs! They’ve rigged it to blow. If we stay here… we’re all going to explode!
CHRIS PRATT: For some reason my therapist never believes me when I tell her about this stuff. I can’t imagine why not.
CLAIRE: What do we do?
CHRIS PRATT: We’re going to have to (dramatic pause) go outside.
EXT. JURASSIC UNIVERSE SPACE STATION
CLAIRE, CHRIS PRATT, YOUNG PEOPLE, and DINOSAURS are drifting around in space suits. It looks like a scene from Gravity, except way cooler. Everyone has space lasers. The dinosaurs and humans are shooting at each other. It is an epic space battle. One young person dies, but we don’t care because they were annoying. Lots of dinosaurs die and we feel bad. In the background, the Jurassic Universe Space Station explodes.
CHRIS PRATT: Well, damn it.
CLAIRE: It’s meant a lot to me, fighting dinosaurs with you for so long.
CHRIS PRATT: You’re lucky I like redheads.
They hug.
INTERCHANGEABLE YOUNG PERSON #4: I only have 30 seconds left in my air tank!
CHRIS PRATT and CLAIRE check their air tanks. They also only have 30 seconds left, though at that point it’s actually more like 28 seconds.
CLAIRE: I love you.
CHRIS PRATT: I don’t think I’m ready for that level of commitment.
Everyone begins to slowly die as they run out of air. Sad music plays. The camera pulls back to show all the dying humans and dinosaurs. They look like space debris.
But then a mystery spaceship appears!
It comes in close and grabs all the dying people and dinosaurs.
INT. MYSTERY SPACESHIP-DAY
Everyone slowly wakes up.
CLAIRE: Wow! We’re alive!
CHRIS PRATT: Nice. I figured they’d want to make another sequel. But who saved us?
In a super cool tracking shot, the camera moves through the corridors of the mystery spaceship, finally stopping in the cockpit. Someone is driving, but we can’t see who, because their chair is turned away. Slowly it rotates, until the audience sees the ODINODON. The ODINODON winks.
The music does that BAM thing and then the screen cuts to black. Credits roll.
There we go! Excitement, romance and a human-dinosaur hybrid. Everything anyone could want in a good story. If you Hollywood people mail me a check this week or next week, then you can get started filming right away!
