Let Go of Your Body Ego
A version of this piece appeared in my 2017 book MindWipe 2: The Stories We Tell and the Rivers We Are.
I tend to suck in my gut when I’m in public, because I’m ashamed of my belly. I eat too much cheese and chocolate, and I don’t exercise enough. That’s all there is to it. Sometimes I do a decent job of eating less and exercising more. But it’s a very very slow process. I can’t wave a magic wand and go back to my beanpole college physique. (I ate lots of crap back then too, and didn’t exercise, ever. My metabolism changed. It happens.) Every time I look at another guy, I think one of two things: “I wish I was skinny like him”, or “I’m glad I’m not as fat as he is.”
This is a terrible way to think, and it’s entirely the result of my body ego. Just as we each have a “little hater” (thanks again to Jay Smooth from illdoctrine.com for that concept) filling our heads with negative feedback, we each have a body ego which screeches at us about how physically atrocious we are.
Or maybe you have a “positive” body ego, which cheers for your svelte physique. Maybe you smile when you compare yourself to others, secure in the knowledge that you do fit our society’s narrow ideal of beauty. Alas, this is also a mirage — every bit as deceptive as my “positive” mental ego, telling me how great I am because I’m such an intelligent, prolific writer.
The body ego isn’t concerned with your health. It wants you to compare yourself constantly to people on the street, and advertisements in magazines, and photos on social media, and famous people on TV. The body ego obsesses about gray hair and double chins and male pattern balding and varicose veins. The body ego makes us ashamed of how we look, and makes some of us hate our bodies altogether. The body ego makes food into a minefield, leading some of us to anorexia or bulimia. (I highly recommend Lesley Fairfield’s comics memoir Tyranny.)
The body ego is different from your actual body, because your body is a river just like your mind. You might not be happy with your body right now, but it can and will change. Your body ego seeks to maintain a single image of your body, trapped in one state — either close to the ideal or far from it. But in truth, your body changes every day. When I eat a big meal, my belly grows. When I do sit-ups and eat less, it shrinks.
For some people the body ego does harm through positive feedback, tricking you into thinking you’re better than other people because you’re closer to the ideal body. Of course you’ll never get there, because those ideal bodies are created with digital editing and plastic surgery and a billion other tricks. And it’s all done to sell the false promise of happiness through a better body. Nobody ever sold diet pills to people who are happy with how they look.
This problem is plenty bad for guys, but it’s even worse for women. The National Eating Disorder Association reports that 20 million women and 10 million men suffer a serious eating disorder at some point in their lives. The appearance of women has always been judged with special harshness in our patriarchal society, compared to men. Older men are often considered distinguished, and big guys are sometimes called “teddy bears”. Middle-aged women are considered “past their prime”, and big women are often discussed with disgust, mocked for their undesirability. Older men regularly get roles in movies, while older women are virtually banned from the entertainment industry. Movies and TV shows will often cast an older or fatter man in a love story with a woman who is much younger or skinnier. These things have a powerful impact on our body egos.
Some parts of our society — and especially the internet — make the problem worse by pretending to show concern for the health of other people. The social website Reddit recently banned a forum called “FatPeopleHate” after its members engaged in a campaign of harassment against overweight people. Many of those users claimed they were trying to highlight how unhealthy it is to be overweight or obese. Elsewhere on the forum, people regularly cheer for those who post before-and-after photos of their weight-loss journey. (This is a common pattern on all social media.)
In September 2019, comedian Bill Maher praised “fat shaming” as a way to improve health. “Fat shaming doesn’t need to end,” he said. “It needs to make a comeback. Some amount of shame is good. […] Shame is the first step in reform.” This, of course, is nonsense. (Fortunately, James Corden provided an excellent response, which was widely praised and shared.)
There is a vital distinction between health and body ego. Nobody ever judged my moral habits when I was a skinny college student. People joked about my steady diet of Taco Bell™ and Mountain Dew™, but somehow there was an assumption that I took care of myself, because I was slender and lithe. That positive assumption back in the day was every bit as erroneous, foolish, and cruel as the negative assumptions people make about me today.
Besides, if you really care about my health, then you should also care about my mental health. And I’ve got news for you: Hating on my body will never help me, ever. Mentally or physically. Shame and hatred and guilt have never helped anybody without causing much more suffering and negative side effects along the way.
If you really care about the health and well-being of other people, you must be compassionate and patient with them. You must understand the daily struggles they experience with regard to the body ego. You must understand that sometimes unhealthy food actually helps us deal with the body ego, even though we realize consciously that exercise is a better weapon.
The truth is that I am overweight. I should exercise more. But that’s my struggle. Let me fight it however I need to. Consider this: If I use fancy words and you don’t understand them, am I justified in ridiculing you?
“Hey, man, I’m just trying to show you that I care about your intellectual health. It’s so sad how our society tells people that it’s okay to not read. Hating on stupid people will encourage them to read more books.”
See how ridiculous that sounds? Or consider how obnoxious it would be for me to harass or ridicule people who drive SUVs. I ride my bike as often as I can, and recently invested in an electric car. We’ve installed solar panels on our roof. Does this give me the right to debase individuals who drive large vehicles? Will that help them see the light or change their ways? Of course not.
Teaching for 20 years has taught me that people change their behavior for lots of different reasons, and it only happens when they feel supported and positive. And it takes a long time.
I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my body, because it’s never been what I want it to be. My body has always been too slow for sports, too awkward for teenage dating. Now it’s too fat for going shirtless in the summertime. I’ve often thought I would be perfectly happy if I could put my brain in a robot. I’ve spent years and years improving my brain, and I would be much healthier physically if I devoted half as much time to improving my body. Alas, it’s just not my thing.
Exercise can help us fight the body ego, but it’s a tricky mixed blessing. Working out can help us adjust the water in our physical rivers. Of course when you are addicted as I am to instant messages, fast food, and high-speed internet, accepting the slow results of exercise can be tough. Sometimes exercise feels like a leap of faith, and it’s easy to think about all the time and trouble I could save if I didn’t bother. But I know that it’s good to be healthy. The trick, as always, is to do the right thing, for the right reasons, when the wrong thing is so much easier.
Fortunately, too, exercise releases endorphins in our brains, which can help us feel better in the short term. This is why doctors often recommend physical exercise to those who suffer from depression or anxiety. Just like mindful meditation, exercise gives us some control over our lives. We can fight the flab and build muscle when we exercise, but we’ve got to make sure we’re doing it for the right reasons. Just as we should not read books to feel superior to others, we should not exercise to appease the body ego.
In an ideal world, I would fight the body ego by saying “To hell what other people think” and wearing whatever I want. But it’s not that simple. Maybe it is for other people, but not me. My body ego is a powerful beast, and it never goes away.
As with the mind ego, you gotta let go. When I find myself sucking in my gut, I let my breath out and try to step into a different river. I remind myself that people probably aren’t judging my appearance, because they’re usually preoccupied with their own lives. I remind myself that the surface is less important than substance.
We’ve all got to find ways to love ourselves, even as we push ourselves to become better. We all deserve to be comfortable in our own skin, and confident enough to step into new rivers. We should all read books, exercise regularly, eat healthy, and make smart choices. But the first step in loving the real you — physically and mentally — is letting go of the ego.
