SATIRE
Luxury Destinations in Your House
Think of it as a “get-a-stay”
Let’s face it. You need a vacation from your staycation. But you’re going about it all wrong. We all know you don’t want to risk traveling yet, so stay in with style!
For starters, try luxuriating in front of your kitchen sink. The sun filters through the window just beyond the faucet. It blinds you as you wash endless dishes in these endless days of subpar meals you cooked on Sunday. Next, bask in the tranquility of your half bath. The room’s so small that sound can’t travel. So get in your ohms while on the pot.
Take in the lush vistas of your neighbors’ yard by the backdoor. What are they doing beyond their fence? Perpetual mysteries abound. At least with the door closed, the screaming of their toddler son is muted. It’s a refreshing white noise that doesn’t need interruption until your dog has to be let out to drop biscuits.
Ah, here we have the luxurious couch. You know personally how easy it is to fall asleep on such a fine getaway furnishing. In fact, you know how easy it is to sleep through entire marathons of shows only to wake up the next day to serene thrums of suburban mowers.
The garage has a peaceful bleakness, elegant in its sparseness. You can’t fit both cars in here, so why even bother with one? Wander this vacant space, dimly lit by an enchanting, fading bulb. Explore your extra freezer and discover those frozen bananas from three years ago.
Arrive at the threshold to your upstairs office. Whatever you do, do not go inside this room. We don’t want flashbacks of working from home during lockdown. Remember, this is your time for luxury. Let the freedom of non-work waft through the cracks of the closed door touching the tip of your nose. Moreover, embrace the unknown as you enter the library room you said you’d use when you first moved in. The fact that you’ve rarely, if at all, used this room gives it a sense of unfamiliarity. And in these times, the unfamiliar is a luxury.
Ah, another restroom. This one is a full bathroom with a bath you also never use. Lay in this bath. You can leave your clothes on, even. Before you realize you have to dust in here, quickly leave.
Challenge yourself with the luxury of danger as you stand tip-toed at the top of the stairs. Lose your balance and you could tumble down. At least you’d feel something physical — a nice break from such low activity this past year plus. Or just stand here and savor the view of the familiar street outside the window, the familiar steps descending to familiar rooms, and the familiar walls in which you’ve been trapped — but no longer, because you are now seeing all this as luxury.
Finally, let yourself fall into the luxuriousness of your bed. After all, this is the final destination of all your days, at least those where you don’t pass out on the couch. Here, you are truly in paradise. Sleep away the day. Sleep away the monotony. It’s your luxurious staycation vacation destination. Sleep away your stay, until it’s safe to actually leave this 1200 square foot prison palace and go eat conch fritters in Key West.
