My Nephews Have Been Set Alight!
She did, she bloody well did. Why did I think this year would be different? She might be an aunt, but honestly, I want to give her a damn good rattling.
“I wore it, Harry, because I know it’s your favorite,” she said.
I had to say something, Aunt Ellie, by wearing a tacky garment like the sweater you are wearing right now at seven o’clock in the morning, you are telling the world that you love the holiday so much you don’t mind looking like you spent the year consuming nothing but sugar cookies and eggnog laced with rum. It’s not a pretty picture, Aunt Ellie.
I’m lying. I never said any such thing, but oh how I wanted to.
“Aunty, you’re such a sweetie, I love it,” I said.
I swear to the heavens, I never suggested, not one time, not even with a hint of pleasure did I say I liked the knitted Christmas faux pas that aunt Ellie is wearing at the breakfast table a month early!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I knew it, God, how I knew it. A crimson cardigan adorned with a forest of nubby pines. It’s hideous.
It’s only Thanksgiving, for Christ’s sake.
I hate Christmas sweaters, even on Christmas day, let alone a month early.
Look, what do you expect? I might seem like a crass drunk most days but this is a time of year when my family makes the long trek from Europe to show their love for me. Agh!
Love — it makes me act like a coward.
I just hope Reckless doesn’t piss on her.
Oh, dear God, my nephews have them on! Oh, mother, if you’re listening, help me. Both children are wearing their Christmas sweaters with the battery operated applique.
Annabelle, her angel face beaming, switches on the prancing reindeer dashing through Christmas pines and saluting Santa.
Fuck my life!
“Reckless, come boy, let’s head out.”
“Wait for us, Uncle Harry,” Gustav yells.
What’s a periodic drunk supposed to say? Don’t be insane. Standing shoulder-to-sparkling-shoulder, on my beach will only alert passing ships to stay far away.
“Of course, children. Reckless will have fun,” I said.
Now look, anyone who reads me knows that Reckless is no ordinary dog, he’s the embodiment of friendship. If I can just find out where he’s hiding.
“Oh, no…no…com’on old lad, I am not doing this alone.”
Truthfully, I don’t want these beautiful children to turn out like their uncle. I love them that much. Maybe not so much when I have to watch six reindeer fly a sled around their waistlines.
You see, I don’t know that I ever really earned their love. It was just there for me. It’s so powerful. I’m always going to try harder. Always.
Thanksgiving in America. It’s a beautiful thing. Tomorrow, every day, I give thanks for love.
Maybe I’ll head out and buy myself a Christmas sweater?
The hell I will.
“Reckless, where the dickens are you?”
