Nobody Lies on the Internet
“Alright guys, give it to me straight- what are the numbers like this week?” Alyssa asks gravely. Seated in the conference room are a dozen very attractive young women. Coffee cups and take-out containers litter the long gray table sporadically.
Jennifer clears her throat. “Well- we’ve hit a bit of a rough patch-”
“Don’t sugarcoat it.”
Jennifer’s bottom lip trembles. “We’ve gotten nowhere.” She puts her head in her hands.
“Are you serious?”
“It’s true!” Clarissa, the tall brunette with pink lipstick and gorgeous ringlets, says with exasperation.
“What about the late night TV ads, you know- the ones letting guys know to call in to chat with us?”
“They didn’t work, like, at all!” Jennifer wails.
“The only call the hotline got was from a bunch of teenage boys at a sleepover-”
“They just giggled and hung up right after we answered…”
“What about the banner ads? The ones we left, like, everywhere? Those had to have brought in at least one guy, right?”
“We used our best photos and everything…”
“Not one message…”
“Did you try sending them one first? Guys are shyer these days, sometimes you have to make the first move.”
“Of course we did!”
“And?”
“They left us on read…”
A collective sigh from the room.
‘BING!’ Jenny picks her phone up excitedly.
“You guys! We got an email!”
The whole room jumps up from their chairs and races to crowd around Jenny’s phone to read it. She taps the screen hesitantly, holding back her anticipation.
“Awwww….” They say in unison, the energy dissipating completely.
“‘Natural Male Enhancement’, seriously?”
“Ugh delete it!”
“How did it even get past your spam filter?”
“I don’t know…” Jenny says despondently as the ladies all return to their seats, deflated.
-
[Meanwhile, across town…]
-
“Alright, give it to me straight, Mike- how are the numbers?” Rich asks his COO during their private meeting.
“Not good, boss.” Mike grumbles, rubbing his temples. “Zero orders, zero subscriptions.”
“What!?”
“Yeah.”
“You put those web ads out, right?”
“Yeah.”
“The ones with the before and after pictures of the penis?”
“Yeah, just like you told us to.”
“What about the measurement numbers, please tell me you listed those next to the pictures!”
“Obviously!”
“And we put out the gif version too, right?”
“Yes, just like we drew up in the pitch meeting, Rich.” He hold his hand up so Rich can see. “It goes from being like this-” he lets his hand rest limply, “to being like this-” he straightens it, rigidly, upward.
“Damn it.” Rich rubs his chin contemplatively. “What about the email promotion campaign, you made sure to stress that it’s 100% natural?”
“Rich- I put it in the subject line.”
Rich sighs and plops down in his chair. “Unbelievable. I guess everyone’s perfectly happy with the size of their penis.”
“I guess so…”
“Maybe something’s changed in the last two minutes, who knows?” Rich refreshes the browser page.
“Anything?”
“Nothing…” Rich says, deflated. Mike sighs through his nose. “I keep getting this stupid chat thing that keeps popping up-”
“Oh like one of those ‘Hot Singles in Your Area’ things?” Mike asks, despondent.
“Yeah.”
“Man, I hate those.”
“Yeah,” Rich sighs. He’s about to close his laptop, but stops when he clocks the profile picture of his would-be chat partner- a tall brunette with pink lipstick, and gorgeous ringlets. He moves his finger along the trackpad. “You know what? I’m gonna reply.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s just for fun, I can screenshot it and make a meme or something.”
“It’s just a spambot dude, what’s the point?”
He pops open the chat window, and starts typing…
-
“And that, kids,” says a salt-and-pepper-haired Rich fondly as he rests his hand on Clarissa’s thigh, “is the story of how your mother and I first met.”
Two mortified children sit on the couch opposite them as the couple look lovingly into each other’s eyes.
“What was that about a gif of a penis?”
