Let’s be honest.
People are the worst. They walk around with their legs, eating and shitting, shouting at each other and taking pictures of stuff.
A species of angry, divided, self-righteous, pleasure seeking, self-fulfilling, platitude spouting morons.
Except Kate Winslet…I don’t care what anybody says, The Holiday is the best Christmas movie ever.
Even the kindest of us has an impatient, tired, pessimistic voice in our head that judges every living soul that passes us on the street. This voice is especially loud if you’re living in a densely populated city like London, travelling every day through the smog of your own doom, to a job that you couldn’t give a bucket of piss about.
I am a relatively happy-go-lucky chap. However, every now and again I wish a thousand curses upon someone for something they've done which was entirely within their right. Like when a cleaner knocks on the toilet door when I’m trying to make a deposit, forcing me to muster an awkward reply — which in most cases comes out as a sound crossed between a goats bleat and the groan of a tired old man.
As an offering to the grumpy inner critic inside of me, I thought I would share some of the behaviours that I see in public that I find absolutely inexcusable. All of these complaints are completely irrational and speak more to my madness than any transgressions committed by the general public.
1. The Whistler
I was on my way to work.
I shouldn’t moan. I spend most of my time at work writing, just not for my employers.
You’re WELCOME Medium!
Normal day. Waiting politely for the train doors to open so I can board. The doors open and a man leaps from the train — clearly in a rush. That’s fine. It’s a busy Monday morning in London. Who am I to judge?
BUT HOLD ON A MOMENT!
He ran off to another train platform, in a rush, WHILST WHISTLING! WHISTLING AND RUNNING!
Why are you doing such a bad job of imitating a human being casually travelling to work?
Whistling at home = Fine, if you must.
Whistling on street (walking) = Bit of a knob.
Whistling on street (sprinting) = Fire him into space.
Just imagine it. Tie flapping from the wind generated by his ferocious speed. Whistling. How do you even whistle whilst running without practice?
I’ve tried it! It’s bloody difficult.
Get outta here you casual bastard.
2. Serial Sneezers
Nobody needs to sneeze 17 times. It’s unnecessary, its obnoxious, it’s excessive.
Get over yourself.
Nobody cares about your ridiculously extroverted sinuses. I’ll say bless you after two sneezes. I might make a joke for a third sneeze.
For every sneeze after the fourth — I will kill you.
Control yourself! Pinch your nose or something. I’ve been trapped on the back of a bus as a sneeze cloud produced by one chronically congested creature came towards me like a big, evil cloud of mucus mist.
It simply won't do.
3. The Spritzer
OK, so you bought counterfeit aftershave. That’s fine.
Aftershave and perfume is expensive.
I can only afford to own two different types of aftershave at any given time, so I sympathize with the market bought counterfeit aftershave/perfume game.
You may even want a couple more squirts than what is normally required because your aftershave is watered down.
What I can’t tolerate is people that wait until they are in the carriage of a packed train to release a raging torrent of sprays around their person.
AROUND THEIR PERSON!
Not on them. There can’t possibly be any direct bottle to skin contact. No no! That would be too simple. But they will pollute the surrounding atmosphere in hope that the scented liquid falls naturally around them, blessing their clothes, head and face with a heavy musk.
And why so much? After 8 sprays it’s basically redundant. Any more and you create a dense fog of scent so pungent it threatens all life in the immediate area.
Put the bottle of pheromones away before I use it to set you on fire
Below is an example of a train before an idiot uses aftershave
4. Crisps! At the theatre!? Are you shitting me?
I am not shitting you, I wouldn't dare shit on anybody who has to deal with this nonsense.
I’m not a fan of popcorn at the cinema. “What’s the loudest food we can sell to people who will be trying to listen to recorded dialogue for 2 hours in a room with 300 other people?” Fucking popcorn.
Plus there’s too much variety of food in cinemas for Christ sake!
YOU’RE ONLY THERE FOR 2 HOURS!
You don't need 700 different confectioneries to choose from. Not even sugar addicted toddlers have such variety in taste. It’s a Willy Wonkian nightmare.
But the holy grail of transgressions…is eating crisps in the theatre
I went to see a show where the theatre sold all kinds of shit. Including crisps.
Imagine it — you’re an actor, you’ve rehearsed for 3 months, 6 days a week, learning the nuances of Shakespearean language. You’re half way through you’re monologue when someone in the front row cracks open a bag of Salt and Vinegar crisps….
The first thing that hits you is the smell.
Suddenly half the audience is in on it. A cacophony of mastication. There’s someone in the back with a corn on the cob, and third row hot dog aficionado, a child in the private box with nachos.
We should have snipers stationed on the balcony in all theatres. If you are caught with crisps you should be legally shot in the chin
Luckily many big theatres in London only sell ice cream, which is one of the few acceptable things to eat in the theatre.
I’m joking of course!
I don't really get that angry with such insignificant transgressions. There are just certain behaviours that I feel are unnecessary in civilized society, especially in public. This includes shouters, snorters, litterers, spitters, tutters, scoffers and snot rocketers. The last one being where someone blocks one side of their nose and then expels a snotty deluge from the opposite nostril with furious power. Disgusting.
Well I don’t know about you, but I feel better.
To quote the great Karl Pilkington — “It’s good to have a moan”
Let me know what annoys you my lovely Medium community, and maybe we can all giggle at the ridiculousness of it!
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