Reality Gets Cancelled
It was just a typical Tuesday, another day our blue pearl of a world spun around its star alone, in an endless void of space and time. But that was all about to change as somewhere in the world a phone began to ring.
Now you might expect the rest of the world to have kept on going, given this rather typical turn of events. You would be wrong in that assumption. Every single human being on the planet stopped what they were doing, without question.
Drivers climbed out of mile-long freeway pile-ups; coma patients suddenly sprang up, wide awake; babies ceased crying and even the ears of the deaf pricked up.
You see every living being on the planet could hear that incessant phone ringing, it reverberated from the stratosphere down to the depths of the planet’s core, which did not take the intrusion well, let me assure you. The ringing continued and people began to look at one another, speechless and frankly rather puzzled by the whole thing.
Suddenly the ringing stopped with the sound of a phone being picked up.
“Hello?” A man’s voice spoke, he seemed as puzzled as the rest of us and rather unsettled to boot.
“Ahem, hello. Is that John?” a distant, tinny voice asked.
“Uh, yes. Who is this?”
“John, can you do me a favor and put me on speakerphone so everyone else can hear?”
“Oh… sure. Okay.”
The call’s static popped up in volume across the planet.
“Is that better?”
“Much better, thank you John.” The voice that spoke was clearly a man’s, calm and well-mannered.
Silence hung for a moment.
“Ahem, ladies and gentlemen may I have your attention, please?”
It was safe to say the events thus far had achieved this goal.
“I’m Yeshua, but some of you know me as Jesus, the son of God etc. Anyway, I’m afraid I’m calling with some rather bad news.
I’m afraid you’ve all been cancelled. Reality, in fact.”
The world collectively gasped as one.
“I know, I know. It’s come as a shock to all of us here at Head Office as well. We’ve all been big fans of your show for a while now.”
“Huge fans!” A french woman’s voice chimed in.
“That’s Joan everyone, she used to be a regular on the show several seasons back. What did they call you again, Joanie?”
“Joan of Arc. It was a wild ride, let me tell you.”
“I’m also here with Buddy and Jules. You’ll remember them as Buddha and Julius Caeser. Also former housemates on your show.”
Two men cordially said hello at the same time. The world failed to react, incredulously.
“I know this is all a lot to process. Jules and I were just talking earlier about mapping out next season’s World War 3 games, but then they dropped this bombshell in our laps and now, well here we are I’m sad to say.”
“We want you to know you’ve all been brilliant,” Joan said cheerfully.
“Oh absolutely, well everyone except Greg Pensacoti, of course.” Yeshua affirmed.
“Ugh, I hate that guy,” Jules spoke in a grave voice.
“Yeah, fuck you Greg” Buddy squeaked, rather nasally.
“Such an asshole,” Yeshua agreed.
“You know I heard he shacked up with Gina last year at the birthday party. Now she’s pregnant and the brother thinks it’s his!”
“Oh my God!”
“Wow, that is just so Greg.”
“Good luck getting a gig in this town again, gigolo. That’s all I’m going to say, am I right?”
“Totally.”
“Ahem, anyway folks. The head of our network wanted us to assure you that you will be paid in full for the whole season, as long as you submitted your signed contracts before the season opening. I really wish things could be-”
Somewhere in the world the Pope cried out “But you’re the Son of God!”
“Listen pal, my father may be the head of this network but I am not about to ask him for any more favors. Omnipotent bastard.”
“He’s the worst, really” Jules piqued in, like a good lackey.
“Well listen guys, it’s been so wonderful catching up with you all. But we’ve got so much going on here. Jules is working on a pilot about a dog that rescues children.”
“So original. I totally love it!” Joanie insisted.
“Buddy’s got that biopic spec script he’s been trying to get picked up for the last millennia or so.”
“They’re just not ready for something this profound. It’s all just fodder for the masses.”
“Meanwhile, Joanie and I are launching a new reality dating show called ‘Angels in Bed’.”
“It scored off the charts with test audiences; we’re already talking season two” Joanie purred.
“So enjoy your last day on set, and please remember to turn off the sun on your way out. And remember folks, love thy neighbor. Ciao, ciao!”
Yeshua hung up the phone and thus the apocalypse began.
