Sexy scarecrow
I know how this looks. You caught me in his backyard, at night, trying to unscrew his eagle decoy from its pedestal. Probably thought I was going to hock it. (Pardon the pun.) Like there’s a big market for used decoys. Then again, maybe there is. How would I know?
But it’s not like that. I’m not a thief. I’m a customer service rep at All in One Hardware. You’ve probably seen our ad. You know, the one with DIY Daryl. I like my job and take pride in what I do. I’m sure you do too.
It all started when this guy came in to complain about his scarecrow. Said it was too realistic. Was satisfied at first because it kept pigeons off his deck. But then he noticed some big birds circling overhead. A little later, he saw an eagle on his rail. It gave him a smug look and flew off.
Something about it struck him as odd so he examined his scarecrow, noticed that the bottom had been soiled and cleaned it up as best he could.
The next day he opened his drapes and saw an eagle humping his decoy. A long line of others was perched on the rail. He tried to scare them off but they were too aggressive. He had to watch as they pulled a train on his bird.
Naturally, he was quite upset about it. Accused us of selling him a scarecrow with loose morals and even called it a slut. He also wanted his money back.
So I had a look and yes, the scarecrow had indeed been deflowered. But, because the decoy wasn’t defective, I couldn’t give him a refund. And the damage to the product was the fault neither of the manufacturer nor us, the seller. In legal terms, it was an act of God, for which we’re not responsible.
Despite that, I offered him an exchange, as a gesture of goodwill, and spent a considerable amount of time helping him search for a less lascivious model.
Unfortunately, because of the high standards of our store, we were unable to find an ugly scarecrow. Most of them, in fact, looked like models.
In the end, we were forced to Ugly Betty his bird by painting its feathers gaudy colors. The guy seemed satisfied with this. I called him a couple days later and he told me male eagles had stopped dropping by. On the contrary, they were actively avoiding her, circling away at the sight of her.
At first, I felt good. I had solved the customer’s problem. But then I thought: what if he was right? What if, instead of being the innocent victim I assumed her to be, she was, as the customer claimed, a willing participant?
If so, I did serious damage to her sex life. For millennia, men have controlled women by confining their sexuality. Was I complicit in that? How could I, as a woman and a feminist, participant in such oppression?
So I climbed over his fence and tried to set his bird free. I don’t consider that a crime. Illegal acts in the defense of freedom are never wrong.
I’m more than willing to pay for the scarecrow. I’ll even give him double, just to make up for his time and trouble.
And if I lose my job, that’s okay too. Not everything is about money or career. Sometimes, you just got to stand up and be counted.
