Taking Stock

Dylan™ Shareholders Bearish Following Big Announcement

BY EDWARD O’LEARY - THE JUNCTION

A major Dylan fiasco has sent shares in the 29-year-old man plummeting once again this week, following the company’s announced plans to focus almost entirely on creative pursuits as a means of both artistic expression and gainful employment for the foreseeable future. It’s a left-of-field move that has many Dylan investors ready to jump overboard.

“You know, when we initially put up the cash to set all of this in motion, we were optimistic!” Dylan’s parent company, Mom, said as she took us through the ‘IPO’ section of the company photo album.¹

“You never know what your investment will appreciate into from the get-go,” added Dad, unconsciously adjusting the pleat of his pants, “but we at least thought we’d have broken even by now, or seen at least one profitable quarter out of him…²”

“At this point,” his brother and fellow subsidiary added, “the best we can hope is that someone comes along to buy him out — preferably before the earnings report at Thanksgiving.”

Sources close to Dylan’s top brass have confirmed that there will be a vote of no-confidence during the next board meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning, in the shower. Dylan’s embattled CEO, his penis, stubbornly deflected media and investor criticism during a press conference this afternoon; insisting that this current crisis can be solved by devoting additional company resources to its masturbation division- a sector in which Dylan has been an industry leader since 2003.

“If you look at the hard numbers, the vast majority of company resources are devoted to managing his fantasy hockey team, and ham-fisting Simpsons quotes into each and every conversation like a complete psychopath.”

Earlier today, I had a chance to catch up with famed Dylan short-seller and former minority shareholder in the struggling enterprise, Clarissa®, the following is an excerpt from our phone conversation:

“So what do you make of this move into writing as a career choice?”

CLARISSA — “Can I just start off by saying that this move is classic Dylan-”

“Oh, he’s done this before?”

CLARISSA — “Oh yeah, for the four-odd months we were in business together his dream job went from acting, to teaching Media Studies, to, believe it or not, becoming a doctor-

“Based on watching Season 2 of the popular NBC sitcom ‘Scrubs’, if I’m not mistaken?”

CLARISSA — “Yes, that is correct.”

“You’d almost think he’s just making this up as he goes.”

CLARISSA — “Absolutely, just an endless stream of half-baked ideas and, in some cases, outright criminal schemes. You know, what really makes him so frustrating to be in business with is that he’s somehow aimless and ambitious at the same time. He wants so badly to be something, or to do something worthwhile, but he has no idea what that might be, and he certainly has no idea how to do it. If you look at the hard numbers, the vast majority of company resources are devoted to managing his fantasy hockey team, and ham-fisting Simpsons quotes into each and every conversation like a complete psychopath.”

“So what do you say to investors out there who just can’t bring themselves to make that tough call, and sell their Dylan options?”

CLARISSA — “Look, I’m going to walk some of my criticism back here. In fairness, I’ll say that unless you’re sure that whether he succeeds or not, you can still stand being around him, just take the loss and move on, because he probably won’t.”

We’ll keep you updated on this story as it develops… if it ever does.

Footnotes

[1] Dylan’s Initial Public Offering (declared after 9 months in private sector limbo) opened well below market expectations, after it was leaked that he would be born a ginger.

[2] Historically speaking, the closest Dylan™ has come to getting in the black was Q1 1999: the company’s Pokemon card collection, valued at roughly 160% of Dylan’s initial purchase price, was set to be acquired by longtime rival DeanCorp. The deal was in place for weeks, but talks between the two camps broke down over a dispute involving the authenticity of one card in the collection, a rare Charizard, and whether it was to be considered “holographic” or simply, “shiny”. This unsolvable terminological schism went on to collapse the entire purchase agreement, and soon after, the value of the collection plummeted.

The Junction owns shares of and recommends Mom & Dad. Clarissa® has no position in any of the stocks mentioned. The Junction has a disclosure policy.