That Time I Went on Vacation Happily Single and Straight But Didn’t Come Home That Way

Most people come home with souvenirs, I came home with a girlfriend.

Photo by Seth Doyle on Unsplash

So what do you do when you go on vacation happily-single and straight, but meet someone who is everything you’ve been looking for, who you find yourself wildly attracted to but happens to be your same gender?

What do you do when you can’t help but flirt with this person even though you’ve never flirted with anyone in your life?

What do you do when you think you’re going crazy because you’ve never had feelings like this about anyone, especially of someone of the same sex?
Or what do you do when you keep behaving in ways that are very uncharacteristic, but because you like this person so intensely, it happens against your better judgment?

Oh and let’s throw in some complications where you grew up in a very strict and conservative religion and community when it comes to same-gender attraction. Where if you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, you’re considered a heathen.

Let’s also remember that if you act on those feelings, it’s considered a sin and you risk being kicked out of your religion if you don’t repent. There’s also a very high chance you will lose all of your friends and be disowned by your family.

But here’s the thing, you have never felt more right about a person in your entire life. You feel more comfortable, more right, and so good about it that the thought of not pursuing something with this person seems horribly wrong. You even feel as if you have been divinely guided to this person and that they are an answer to so many specific prayers.

What would you do?

Here’s what I did.

I decided life is short and this was just too good, felt too right, and was far too easy and I needed to see where it would go.

So I came home from probably the best vacation of my life with a girlfriend.

I still don’t feel like I’m gay because I’m not attracted to other women, I’m only attracted to this one woman. I don’t even know if there’s a label for that or what that means. So for now, I’m not doing labels.

All I know is that I care for this woman more than I’ve cared for anyone and for the first time in my life I want to make life plans with someone.

This woman is happily gay and has been for over 20 years. Her friends and family are all aware and supportive. They have accepted and welcomed me and have made me feel more myself than I think I ever have.

I am still in the closet while I try to figure out what I’m going to do and how best to share the news with my family and friends. I know I want to be with this woman, but I know that once the news is out, my life will never be the same.

There’s a lot of unknown and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared out my mind, but these things I do know:

• I will no longer have my religion, but I will still have my personal beliefs and my spirituality. (This was a long time coming for lots of reasons, not just because of recent choices.)
• I will lose most of my friends, but I will find new friends who will love and accept me for who I am and not what I pretend to be.
• I will no longer feel welcome in my community, but I will find a new community who will be supportive in this new adventure.
• My relationship with my family will never be the same. I will go from being the golden child to the black sheep. There may be one or two of my siblings who will be able to accept me, but I’m also fully aware that most of them won’t. That is their choice and I respect that. If I expect them to respect my choice than I owe them the same.
• I want to be happy and this relationship has made me happier than I have ever dreamed possible.
• I want to live an authentic life. Since meeting this woman I feel as if I have come alive and have discovered the real me for the very first time.
• I have to live my own life and be true to myself and that is what I am doing. Even though I am confused, conflicted and don’t want to hurt anyone, I know that had I NOT made the choice to be with this woman I would have regretted that decision my entire life.

So this is where I am. It’s been over 6 months since coming home with a girlfriend and I’m still trying to figure things out.

I don’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone, but I’m coming to realize that that is no longer a possibility at this point.

These feelings and this world are all new to me. I’m still trying to find people to confide in and get support from. I know I’m going to need a new support system when the crap hits the fan and my current support system crumbles.

But at the same time, things are so amazingly good with this woman and they get better every day. I honestly can say I am happier than I’ve ever been and am the best version of myself.

This is the beginning of my new life story and the most adventurous ride of my life to date.