The 80s Band You’ve Never Heard Of
While the world was listening to bands like The Cure, Depeche Mode and Duran Duran, a little known group from Liverpool was changing the face of Synth-pop.
Formed in 1982, The Bland Boys started out with a strictly punk attitude, molded by the somewhat harsh disciplinary measures common in most primary schools in Britain.
The band consisted of Ian Lemonsore, Malcolm Doones and Cain Wrightly. Within a year of forming, The Bland Boys disbanded, leaving only Lemonsore to carry on. Lemonsore, who was always pushing the band to explore other sounds, decided to self release his own record entitled “Wake Up And Die” on the Sonarlogic label. The record, which most critics dismissed as a run-of-the-mill collection of terrible punk songs, went on to sell 14 copies, most purchases coming from within Ian Lemonsore’s immediate household.
But all of that was destined to change. Within a month of the abysmal release, Lemonsore found something that changed his life and the course of Synthpop forever.
Ridiculously toxic and hardcore hallucinogenic drugs.
After a brief period of getting totally sloshed, Lemonsore convinced his former bandmates to rejoin The Bland Boys and for the next two years they toured England with a brand new sound and a van full of narcotics.
Critics praised such songs as EGGS! and Beetle Beetle Bet On Me while crowds of crazed fans screamed the words to Rain Tastes Like Magic in the middle of south London streets. Venue after venue sold out as masses rushed to hear this euphoric noise.
Their first LP, Bananas For Breakfast?!, featured the title track Hamster Demise and introduced the rest of the world to The Bland Boy’s signature “short format” songs.
Hamster Demise
I’m gonna cry cry cry, While my Hamster dies
You’re gonna lie lie lie, While my hamster cries for his demise
Gonna cry, While my Hamster dies
Your naked eyes gonna lie, While my hamster dies
Go and tell Denise
It’s time to go go go go to sleep
It’s time for Ricky and Sandra and Orthopedic Panda
To arrive-rive-rive-rive, While my hamster dies
Go and get your disguise, While my hamster dies
This little child of the night, While he cries-cries-cries-cries-cries-cries
The band, in particular Lemonsore, proudly touted the story that Robert Smith of the The Cure once said, “I have to admit that The Bland Boys are my main influence. Where would we be without them?”
Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode acknowledged the genius of The Bland Boys when, according to Lemonsore, he told The London Times, “The Bland Boys! Yeeeeah, they are so amazing. Ian said I was his marshmallow prince and then played me a song about wolves eating blueberry pie. They are the future!”
The Bland Boys followed up their first record with sophomore release You Like Rivers, Okay. Featuring a more relaxed vibe, the LP was the result of Ian Lemonsore finishing a brief stint in rehab after authorities detained him for possession of 4,000 kilos of various unknown and glowing powders.
The first single, Allergic to Wheat, which started with Ian Lemonsore being completely sober but then finished abruptly when dormant drugs in his system began to kick back in, was a smash hit.
Allergic To Wheat
Come on
You’re standing there on your feet
You brought some biscuits to eat
You brought them here for dear Angela
But she’s allergic to wheat
Yeah she’s allergic to oatmeal
We’re on the cliffs of insanity
Of liquid lava and drudgery
I miss the synthpop of yesteryear
I think it’s time for my zombie prayer
Let’s eat a bowl full of British pie.
In 1989, tragedy struck when the innumerable psychedelics Ian Lemonsore was so used to taking suddenly ran out. Despondent but resolved, The Bland Boys released a third album, What Do We Do Now? However, it failed to produce even one fully completed song. Critics and fans abandoned the once popular and influential group because, according to Lemonsore, “they are all stupid, please give me drugs or the spiders will kidnap my sweet Julian.”
The Bland Boys disbanded and Ian Lemonsore spent the next 20 years living in a burned out fire engine he’d found while hunting neighborhood cats during the winter. The other band members, who later were discovered to just be figments of Lemonsore’s imagination, were never heard from again.
Lemonsore eventually found a profession he loved more than anything else. Nurturing young cobras back to health. It was reported that Lemonsore would let the cobras bite him in the face just so he could feel the wonderful rush of venom coursing through his shattered brain.
After a record 400 cobra bites, Lemonsore released his final album I’m Good With Snakes. The album, which was only released in the mind of a catatonic Ian Lemonsore, had but one song, Crystal Kisses.
Crystal Kisses
Who’s in control of your mind?
Who’s in control of your geriatric tongue wagging
Who’s in the tower of your eyes
Who wants to ride on my electronic Clydesdale
Time for kisses
Crystal Kisses
Time for money
In your sunny zip up stitches
She’s a bird
She’s a demon of the night
Holy Cow
I’ve got two minutes till naptime
Time for kisses
Crystal Kisses
Time for money
In your sunny zip up stitches
Johnathan Fost…Uh, Ian Lemonsore is a world famous musician and writer who founded The Bland Boys. He lives in an institu…mansion in Beverly Hills or somewhere and all of his friends love him because he is good.
