The Dangers of the U.S. Open Course
Shinnecock Hills.
Southampton, New York.
Titans of golf compete for the ultimate prize: The Golf Trophy.
This golf course, the one at Shinnecock Hills, is known for brutal conditions. But this year the National United Golf Society (NUGS) has devised new obstacles and dangers that will push professional golfers to their very limits.
Southampton Long Island Hotel which, according to Google Maps is a mere two minute walk from the Shinnecock golf course, is teeming with anxious spectators who are most anxious to see how anxious the competing golfers will be when confronted with this year’s devious challenges.
According to reports online from actual sports commentators, Thursday’s opening round saw four players holding the coveted leader position: Ian Poulter, Scott Piercy, Dustin Johnson, Russell Henley. But it was other players that this writer recognizes from occasionally watching golf 12 years ago who encountered some of the worst challenges the golf community has ever gazed upon.
Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods returned to U.S. Open glory with a powerful tee off on the first hole. With a brisk east wind rushing in from the north, Tiger cracked a 200 yard line drive straight down the middle of the fairway, only to face the single greatest obstacle the opening hole has ever seen.
Moments after Tiger’s Titleist left the face of his Dick’s Sporting Goods driver, a subterranean stirring was felt throughout the Long Island suburbs. As the ball began to wane left, a monstrous sandworm from Frank Herbert’s Dune series burst from the finely manicured lawn of the green and devoured Tiger’s perfect shot mid-air.
The sandworm then returned to the depths of the earth, dragging a handful of spectators to its hellish cave home. A course official on the scene denied Tiger’s immediate yet horrified request for a mulligan.
Phil Mickelson
Phil Mickelson was the next contender to encounter the awe of Shinnecock Hills. On the 13th hole, Mickelson sunk a six foot putt to pull ahead with a four under par. In the midst of raucous applause, Mickelson was engulfed in a inky shroud and transported to the Minotaur’s labyrinth.
Within the confines of the maze, Mickelson learned the harsh reality that his triumphant putt was an earthquake-inducing farce and that only his mind was present at the renowned tournament whilst his body lay in stasis among the mystical alcoves of the multi-angled puzzlement.
John Daly
John Daly, the “Jabba the Hutt meets used car salesman who owns an overgrown and neglected lot behind a Denny’s in Phoenix” of golf, encountered the day’s most formidable challenge. Stuck in the deep rough on the 8th hole, Daly was handed a pitching wedge and prepared to dislodge his buried ball.
In the middle of his backswing, Spider-Man’s arch-nemesis, Venom, burrowed through the fleshy navel of Daly’s rotund stomach and rained extraterrestrial blows down upon tournament officials who were ordering Daly to put away his six-pack of Coors light and zip his pants up.
News outlets reported it was Daly himself who had voluntarily ingested the symbiote and that his rampant alcoholism combined with frequent bouts of rage had released the black-suited beast from it’s homosapien husk. However, eyewitness accounts from the course presented a conflicting report that the alien anti-hero crept from the grainy darkness of a sand trap and caused the chaos. Representatives of NUGS declined to confirm if this was a planned hazard but they also openly winked at the cameras during a televised interview that was also attacked by Venom with a surprise appearance by the short-lived Batman villain, Condiment King.
NUGS officials also declined to comment on the rumor that the 18th hole was peppered with World War 2 era mines and mechanical killer hippos. For now, all players have avoided the 18th hole citing unnecessary risks to human life.
It remains to be seen if any competitors will make it through the U.S. Open alive. One thing remains certain that this year’s tournament will be one for the record books.
