There are Days
there are days when I feel grateful to see the sun, especially on gloomy days, and others where I don’t even notice; too spaced out…
There are days when I don’t want to get up. There are days when simple chores bring me tears, banality of life. There are days where I can stomach what life has to give, and days when I can’t; under the duvet days.
There are days when I feel good and motivated, at least partially. I am mostly motivated by what i love to do, but there are days when I can’t phantom doing what I love because I have no desire. There are days when I panic, scream silently, find joy in the simple pleasures, days where I let my emotions get the best of me.
There are days when I could write for hours, forget about food and basic necessities. I believe it’s become an obsession or an escape, not sure yet.
There are days when I make it to appointments and discuss what I wish not to discuss, but I must. Too many medical appointments. There are days that I can stomach my father’s death, and days that I crumble at the thought.
Grief is a silent killer.
There are days when I feel powerful and confident, and days when I realized I have gained 10 kg in a few months. I blame it on the medications.
There are days when I reach out to friends, and many days that I spend in solitude.. many, many days. I have come to accept that I am not a social butterfly, but still, forcing myself to do something is not the way to go.
There have been many days where I was wildly in love, over the moon distant romance with soul mates. Then, those days were gone, and now I just don’t care.
Or my heart has closed off, I try to open, and it closes. Open and close. Open and close.
There are days when I feel heavy and sore, chronic pain and all, or mentally unwell, and days when I can do it. Just do it. Some evenings I feel I have won.
There are days when I feel grateful to see the sun, especially on gloomy days, and others where I don’t even notice; too spaced out. Days of rain, sun, clouds, snow, oh God the snow I just don’t know!
Days of rest, days of activity, days of sitting at the kitchen table staring into blank space. There are days where I can plan for the future and days I don’t even know how I will get by.
Days of future and not knowing how to get by.
Dark days, lighter days, days where I want to be at home or I feel I can’t leave the house (another phobia?), days of worship and days of disdain. There are days where I feel spiritual, days when I feel spiritual for others, and days when I don’t even know. Days where I feel Spirit and days where I feel utterly alone
There are days of endless questions swimming through the edges of my head, days of partial questions, peripheral questions, days where I trust divine timing and divine willing, days I cling to the cross and days where I feel apathetic.
There are days when I feel alright. Days when my jeans are tight.
Days when a comfortable sweater is just what you need. Days that go by with lighting speed. Days that are days and there are extraordinary days. Lunch dates and eating lunch alone. Days when it’s so nice to be home.
There are so many days. Do you understand?
Anna Rozwadowska 2018