Thoughts on Being Alive
Reflections on being alive 5 years post-coma
This is for all the people who ask why I don’t write my autobiography, self-help books, advice columns, pearls of wisdom (pearl onions of wisdom?).
As harsh and gut wrenching as the initial awakening from trauma felt, the months and years that followed consisted of intentional laborious work to stay awakened. The retelling of the past became the reliving of it, and nothing but the salve of self-love in the form of self-care sufficed to stanch the bleeding away of the pain. So for now, I choose to learn happiness over making a living as a writer, because I owe no one else anything and owe everything to myself.
It is neither my right nor my responsibility to do the emotional labor to explain any aspect of myself to anyone not willing or able to acknowledge or comprehend my life. It is neither my right nor my responsibility to change another person in any way that is not of their own choosing. It is neither my right nor my responsibility to be accountable for the happiness of another.
To all the thinkers and philosophers and writers I have read in my many years of recovery, who have helped me to see myself and witness my own journey, who have crystalized my vision, who have shown me the means of overcoming adversity with critical thinking and compassion, who have shared the certitude of joy regardless of past ordeal, who have pointed to the present moment as the only path to whatever is my “promised land”, today I bow to them in deeply felt gratitude for rescuing me from a life lived asleep.
I am a tiny twinkling light in the vast fabric of the Universe, and my teeth or hair or weight or race or gender or sexuality or history don’t define me. I am the spirit of me and nothing that happens outside of me is as important as the freedom of choice, liberation from destructive past beliefs, and loving support I provide for myself. My happiness depends on no one but myself. I am my own anchor and my own sail.
When the desire to do good comes from “helping others” we have already done a disservice to ourselves, believing that we do not benefit from our own positive actions. There is nothing altruistic about altruism. We cannot teach from a place of presumed superiority. We can only share our journey with compassion of our own past self, and compassion for our listeners/readers.
If everything happening around the world feels too overwhelming in its pain and immensity, I just work to keep my own little corner of it (my pixel) healthy and happy, and the entire picture gains clarity. Hang in there!
Battle for the soul. Use truth as your sword, kindness as your shield, and fight the good fight on an ethical battlefield. Thus even when you lose, you win.
Every action we take today has a consequence on all our tomorrows. Recovery and healing the past bring new hope for the future that has yet to be written.
If a belief system (whether based/acquired from family, community, society, culture, or religion) does not allow for self-exploration, self-expression, or self-love, or individuation in any way, then it is inherently not in sync with our inner world or the Universe. I cannot repeat this often enough.
I am a child of the Universe, with the Divine right and responsibility of discovering my truest self, and living up to my greatest potential, finding peace and joy for myself, and sharing these gifts with everyone in my path who wishes to share them.
Do not let others shame you for your tears. Tears are to the spirit what a fever is to the body: an indication that something within needs to be tended to.
When our petals begin to first unfurl there arises a fear that the cold will take them, that they will wither and you, the flower, will not survive. We do not realize that the petals would not unfurl if the season was not right for their opening, and we were not ready to blossom.
A new relationship is like a sapling, weak and vulnerable to outside influences like the harsh sun of assumptions and the strong winds of antiquated belief systems. To help it nurture and grow, this sapling can be sustained with nothing but the water of understanding, and the food of love and compassion.
Society unravels when the spirits of its children are broken. Remind yourself:
My will is stronger than your offense.
My heart is braver than your abuse.
My healing is greater than your crime.
True & deep change comes at the brink of annihilation.
Don’t fear the edge of the precipice: evolution awaits!
Choose from a position of strength, not from a position of power.
Choose from a love of self, not from a fear of loss.
Life, I love every part of your experience:
The roses and the thorns, the loss and the gain.
The fame I have not earned, the disrepute I do not deserve.
The tranquil death that will be mine, and mine alone.
©JkMansi 2019. All rights reserved.
Thanks to Stephen M. Tomic at The Junction.
