(Unfairly?) Classifying People by the Classics They Claim They’ve Read:
Ulysses (James Joyce): Brings a book to the bar so they can read while nursing a pint of Guinness for two hours. Owns a conspicuous number of cardigans and tweed caps. Will sometimes pack a messenger bag and leave the house to “have a little adventure,” but usually ends up just spending an afternoon at the local mall.
Atlas Shrugged (Any Rand): Keeps a photo of Elon Musk in their wallet. Attends parties and events at trendy clubs only to take a scowling selfie with a caption that says they wish they were hanging out with more mature people. Constantly shares articles about entrepreneurship and tech start-ups while on break from their retail job.
Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace): Wears a lot of bracelets, usually on both arms. Claims to never watch television, though will admit they turn on ballgames for “background noise.” Keeps a pen behind their ear that is never used for writing, only for chewing so they can properly demonstrate the depth of their concentration.
War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy): Will sit on park benches or coffee shop patios to “people watch” an uncomfortable amount of the time. Does a lot of tasks at the library that don’t actually require being at a library, like paying bills or making shopping lists. Nods and sighs in exaggerated ways while watching the evening news.
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte): Prone to leaving ambiguous and possibly passive aggressive comments on their friends’ old Facebook statuses. Convenes their friends together to discuss big decisions and then invariably does what they had initially planned in spite of their advice. Claims to despise drama yet is always at the heart of said drama.
Gravity’s Rainbow (Thomas Pynchon): Boasts about doing math problems for fun. Has an encyclopedic knowledge of B-list studio actors from the 40s and 50s. Owns a closet full of Hawaiian shirts. Claims to have seen a recent photo of author on Reddit.
Moby Dick (Herman Melville): Is prone to pontificating on mankind’s dark nature at the slightest provocation, like drivers honking in traffic or people walking too slowly on the sidewalk. Always wears layered clothing, including plaid oxford with the sleeves rolled up and beanies, even in the heart of summer. Will attend parties but only to stand in the corner and drink sullenly.
On The Road (Jack Kerouac): Shames friends about their humdrum office jobs, but only after getting the all-clear to crash on their couch. Is always asking where the nearest beach is and what the atmosphere there is like, but has never been witnessed actually going to one. Reminisces about events and cultural movements that happened decades before they were born.
Swann’s Way (Marcel Proust): Smokes clove cigarettes. Is constantly reminded of madeleines, even though has never eaten one. Prefers the Scott Moncrieff version to all other translations. Is secretly unsure of how to properly pronounce author’s last name. Wears silk scarves and is desperately trying to grow a mustache.
Beloved (Toni Morrison): Has probably actually read “Beloved.”
Minor contributions were made by Stephen M. Tomic to this piece.
