You Don’t Want No Bite of This: Dewey Cox Discovers the Burrito

Dewey: Hey Sam, what’s that you got there?

Sam: Get out of here, Dewey. You don’t want no part of this. I’m warning you.

Dewey: I kind of wanna know what it is that you’re hiding from me.

Sam: It’s nothing, okay! Just leave. You see nothing.

Dewey: Well, I see a little something. Like that sauce on the side of your face.

Sam: What?! Oh… (quickly wipes the sauce with his sleeve). You don’t want this, Dewey!

Dewey: That smell. (Sniffs the air) Makes me glad my nose is finally working. It’s tantalizing.

Sam: That’s because it’s Mexican food.

Dewey: Is that all?

Sam: No, Dewey. Not just any Mexican food; a burrito. It’s the most delicious, most taste-bud stimulating cuisine you could ever wrap your mouth around.

Dewey: Sounds like I kind of wanna try it.

Sam: No, Dewey. You don’t want any part of this. It satisfies your hunger like no other. You’ll become addicted. It will make you loosen your belt, make you lethargic. And you’ll have dreams of guacamole.

Dewey: Guacamole! Now I really want to try some. Can you add other things to it?

Sam: Of course you can. That’s what makes it so addicting.

Dewey: You mean I can put all sorts of meat in it? Like chicken, pork, beef, or steak?

Sam: It’s called carne asada, Dewey. And yes, you customize it all you like.

Dewey: What about chow mein or catfish, or bon bons?!

Sam: Let’s not get carried away, Dewey. (Looks around nervously) You need to rein it in a little. This is not something you want to mess around with.

Dewey: Well, will you at least let me try it?

Sam: I don’t know. You have to understand this is a gateway food to all sorts of other exquisite Mexican dishes. You will know no other meal that lives up to the hype. Pizza, hot wings, burgers — you can kiss those puppies goodbye. Breakfast won’t be breakfast anymore, as far as you know it.

Dewey: You mean…

Sam (nods knowingly): Breakfast burritos.

Dewey (slack-jawed): Wow…

Sam: So if you really know what you’re getting yourself into, then maybe I’ll let you try it.

Dewey: You would? You really would?

Sam: It’s what I just said, didn’t I? Now close that door.

Dewey: (Closes door)

Sam: Okay… but just one bite.

Dewey: (Takes bite, eyes widen)

Twelve weeks later at Rolling Stone interview:

Reporter: Dewey, what made you want to deviate from your old style and make a mariachi album?

Dewey (glassy-eyed): Well, Alan…

Reporter: It’s Rick.

Dewey (still glassy-eyed): Well, Rick, on the surface, it all started with a simple tortilla…