A Cleveland Fan Guide To Not Being As Horrible As Me, A Boston Fan
Congratulations, Cleveland! LeBron James finally brought you a title, erasing decades of sadness, futility, and frustration.
And now the hard part: not becoming absolutely terrible and awful in every way. Believe, I know. I’m a Boston fan, and I’m the worst.
Rule #1: No Complaining To Non-Clevelanders About ANYTHING Until 2021
I don’t care if the Indians rip your hearts out in October or if RGIII throws 6 picks in his first game for the Browns or if someone at work steals your lunch. No bitching. At all.
Because I’m from Boston, I publicly griped about how dumb the Patriots were for releasing some backup linebacker that I liked, mere weeks after their second Super Bowl. Reminder: I’m the worst.
Rule #2: Don’t Tell People How Long You Liked The Team Before Its Title
Hey, here’s a hot take: there’s nothing wrong with hopping on your hometown team’s bandwagon when they’re really good. It’s fun! The whole city rallies behind the team, and you get something to talk about with store clerks and cab drivers.
So whether you’ve been suffering since 1970 or you just learned that it’s “Cavs” and not “Calves” a month ago, no one cares. They are the winners right now. Live for today!
I’ve been a Red Sox fan since I learned to talk in 1988. You don’t give a shit, do you? No, you don’t. I don’t blame you.
Rule #3: Don’t Tell Friends From Other Cities That “It’ll Happen For You Too”
This one is basically impossible for me, because I am a Patriots fan who lives among Jets fans. Look, “it” will never happen for Jets fans. I know this. Jets fans know this. Jets players know this.
And yet, even if You have the kindest, most altruistic intentions (and I promise, my intentions toward Jets fans are always malicious), you will come off as a huge dick.
Now, being a huge dick has been part of my genetic makeup as a Boston fan since 2004, the year when Boston officially became better than your town at literally everything. But there’s still hope for you, Cleveland.
Rule #4: Don’t Let Any Of Your Other Teams Win A Title For A While
For the time being, you’re going to ride a wave of “aww, I’m actually happy for those Cleveland sadsacks — they deserve this.”
But if the Indians win a World Series? If the friggin’ BROWNS even sniff a title? Everything goes out the window. Fair or not, you’re immediately labeled as a bunch of fairweather, front-running, spoiled brats who deserve to get punched in the dick for wearing your team colors outside of Ohio.
When the Patriots won in 2001, we were the scrappy underdogs who finally broke a streak. Then they won again. And again. Then the Red Sox won. Then they won again. Then Celtics. Then the Bruins. Then the Pats again. Ah, it was great. I don’t really have a point here. I just wanted you to remember how many championships we won. So, so, so many.
Rule #5: Don’t Drift Off Into Dreamland When Describing Your Championships
Sorry, I just re-read that last paragraph after showing it to my editor, who deservedly punched me in the throat.
Rule #6: Don’t Wear The “Cavs 2016 Champs” Slightly Off To The Side
Don’t do this with any hats, actually. We know it’s an affected gesture to begin with, made all the douchier by wearing a crisp title hat. Literally every single 16- to 27-year old man in Boston does this, and they’re all tied for last in the “who is the best?” competition.
Rule #7: Use The Word “We” Very Sparingly
This is acceptable: “Okay, so we’re tied 89–89, and LeBron makes this amazing block to basically save the game.”
This is unacceptable: “Of course we won the title. We’re Cleveland. We never give up!”
You would do well to keep in mind that you were arbitrarily born in or near a city where a billionaire you don’t know put together a team of millionaires you don’t know, and those millionaires defeated 29 other billionaires’ groups of millionaires in basketball. You did nothing.
It was fun, it was exciting, it was thrilling. You’ll tell your grandkids about it some day. But again, you did nothing.
Now, Boston fans are different: our cheers and loyalty are what directly fuel our teams to unparalleled success. But seriously, as awesome as we all are, do everything you can to not be like us.
