Tips for Living with or Loving a Creative Introvert

Creative introverts have many wonderful qualities (she says modestly), but that doesn’t mean we’re always easy to live with. Whether you’re a creative introvert who wishes your special people understood you better or you’re in a relationship with a creative introvert, this post is for you. Happy early Valentine’s Day!

Defining a creative introvert

First, what do I mean by ‘creative introvert’? For the purposes of this post, the most basic (and highly unscientific) definition of a creative introvert is someone who:

• works in a creative field, for pay or not, or self-identifies as an artist or creative
• tends toward introversion, ie. recharges by being alone.

Creative introverts (let’s call them CIs for short) also tend to be highly sensitive, empathic, and intuitive. Because of these traits, they can write/paint/score some really lovely stuff that moves the world. They also tend to feel overwhelmed by their environments and use a lot of energy protecting the borders of their own identities — hence the secretive, loner, hermit vibes and Irish farewells. Not that CIs always act this way, but it tends to crop up when we’re feeling overwhelmed or our autonomy is threatened.

Well-known creative introverts include Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Dr. Seuss, and Frederic Chopin.

Pros and cons of relationships with creative introverts
Caveat: No two creative introverts are the same. The best way to find out what your CI wants is to ask. Of course, CIs aren’t always forthcoming with their own emotions and thoughts, even in their closest relationships. So I offer the following tips from my own experience as a CI in hopes that it will help you in your relationships too.

Pro #1: Whether your CI is a romantic partner, friend, or family member, you likely already know that they can reliably stand in as your therapist in a pinch. They are insightful and great at holding space for others. Because of their strong empathy, they often take on caregiver roles, sometimes unnecessarily.

Con #1: What you don’t know is why your CI struggles to reciprocate being vulnerable with you or asking for help. As caregiving types, we are on the receiving end of a lot of emotional venting and are naturally empathic toward other people’s pain. CIs avoid asking for help so they don’t add to others’ burdens. Less flattering to CIs… We’re hiders. Sometimes we’d rather help other people than face our own issues. Without awareness around these tendencies, CIs can become hermitty and feel unseen and unappreciated.

Tips: Understand that your CI needs support too, even if they don’t ask for it directly. If they do manage to share a hurt or struggle, know that you’re one of their very closest people. Don’t shut them down by giving unwanted advice, minimize what they’re feeling, or problem solve. (They’re likely already doing enough of that in their heads.) Listen and be there for them and in time they’ll trust you with more.

CIs, know that the special people in your life can not read your minds. They need you to tell the truth about how you’re feeling. Know that you are not too much and take responsibility for getting your needs met FIRST. No one else can do it for you. Also, it’s okay not to answer that friend’s call sometimes or to create boundaries around how much you help. You need to save some of that energy for yourself and your creative work.

Pro #2: Creative introverts don’t need a lot of relationship maintenance or TLC. We’re like succulents that way. Or camels maybe. I had a friend who kept texting me with apologies for not doing a better job of keeping in touch — every week. I finally told her, I didn’t need that kind of contact — at all. (The friendship didn’t work out.) My best friend and I can go weeks without talking then grab lunch and pick up right where we left off. CIs are capable of deep connection and meaningful relationships. We can be passionate, have soul-searching conversations, and go on personal growth journeys together…

Con #2: …but we can only do it with a very select few, and we need a whole lot of self care and alone time to recover. CIs have perfected the art of the disappearing act. One minute, we’re sharing a sweet family moment with our loved ones, the next minute we’re nowhere to be found. Likely, we’re in the bath tub or behind a book or out in the woods. This can leave our special people baffled.

Tips: Communication and respect are key in relationships but especially here. If you need more contact with your CI, let them know, but don’t make it open ended. If you want to see a CI turn white as a sheet, just say the words, “I need to spend more time with you” or “I need to feel closer to you.” Those words are a choke-hold to the throat for a CI. It’s the equivalent of inviting them to a cookout and not telling them who else is coming or what time it will end. Just cruel. Instead, give your CI a specific goal. “I want to snuggle on the couch for one episode of Ghosts, and then you can go work on your screenplay.”

CIs, if your person needs more face-to-face time, find a way to give it within the context of your available energy. When you need a break, don’t just disappear. Ask your person if they need anything before you go, give them an idea of how long you’ll be away, then go. Don’t feel guilty or allow yourself to be guilted into giving more than you should. Don’t apologize for what you need. Take the time you need and know that you and your person will be happier because you did.

If you’re a creative introvert and this post resonates with you, I’m so pleased! Seriously. Feel free to share with your partner or another CI or repost (with credit given, of course). If you’re a partner or friend of a CI and this story makes sense, then share it with your CI and chat about it.