Relating to “women in” spaces as a non-binary person
Please note: opinions expressed in this article are my own, and not reflective of all members of the trans non-binary community. Please make sure you are aware of the individual needs of trans and non-binary people in your life, and always respect these.
Approaching the topic
A colleague approached me recently after she was asked to participate in a “women in..” event within the tech space. She was understandably excited about being able to contribute to recognising women in tech, but was concerned about the exclusion of non-binary or otherwise gender diverse individuals in the way such events are structured. Her question to me erred around whether it was right to participate in the event, or whether it was exclusionary.
Firstly, kudos to her for asking. These are not easy questions to raise, and even more difficult conversations to have. Secondly. My response was that of course she should participate! Women in tech have fought and continue to fight hard to be recognised as equal to their male counterparts. The existence of gender diverse individuals does not negate the history and achievements of women in tech movements.
However, the conversation got me thinking about how these spaces apply to folks like myself. And where I sit in them.
Where I sit
When I came out as non-binary around a year ago, my workplace and network were incredibly supportive. I could not have asked for a more welcoming or embracing reception. In terms of “women in” spaces, both in and outside of work, many people actively worked to continue to include me regardless of my gender identity. Initially I was grateful for this. Immediately being ejected would have made me feel incredibly alone and isolated.
However, after around a year of participating (which eventually became lurking on the sidelines) and a lot of time spent learning about my own gender identity, I found I didn’t fit in these spaces anymore. Not because anyone excluded me. Quite the opposite. The active efforts to include me were absolutely commendable.
But over time, it felt less and less fitting. As a non-binary person, I don’t identify as a woman. Some non-binary folk still identify on either or both sides of the binary. But for me, I exist entirely outside the gender binary.
Including one another
It is natural (and kind) of one minority not to want to exclude another minority. But shared adversity does not make for equal life experiences. I began to feel foreign in these spaces. Because while I have been perceived as female most of my life, and have experienced adversity known to female identifying people, I had never identified as fitting in the binary female gender. Trying to force myself into a space defined as female felt like trying to force myself back in to a gender binary box. It was like a dysphoria cyclone. I felt like I was fighting for everyone to perceive me in one way, while asking them to include me in another.
Now it’s important to consider that for trans folk who identify as female — the ability to be welcomed into these spaces is essential. It’s also important to note that non-cis females may or may not feel ready to join a female defined space immediately after coming out. Some people desire additional safe spaces relating to their gender identity as well as being included in “women in” spaces.
But all this this raises the issue of how to include non-binary folks, while still celebrating women, who remain an underrepresented group especially within the tech industry. I do not support the shutting down of women’s spaces, awards, mentoring, activism or recognition. Because for female identifying people, there is still so far to go in achieving equality. And having those avenues for recognition, celebration and support is so powerful and important.
Where to from here
I think as a society we have a long way to go in how we approach gender recognition and gender inclusion. And I don’t have the answers to how we include everyone in that. I do think we need to continue to celebrate and champion women led spaces. Because the existence of gender diverse folks does not erase the plight of women now, or throughout history.
But, do we need spaces for non-binary individuals to exist and receive peer support? Absolutely. Will these groups start out very small? Quite likely. Yet I do not believe this is a reason to not create them. I don’t know the full history of the women in tech movement, but I do know that groups of women in tech started out small. We should not be afraid of creating new spaces for fear of size and representation.
However, we should also be aware of why we are creating spaces, and how they are run. Is your space or cause actually related to gender? We’ve defined a lot of spaces based on the adversity we know. “Women” was once a very encompassing term if you were looking to create equality and uplift the oppressed. But I encourage you to really consider the purpose of your cause or space. If gender is actually not the reason for its creation, change how you define yourself to reflect your actual intent. If your desire is to include non-binary or otherwise non-female identifying folk, consider the possibility that gender may not be the right way to define your space.
Above all. Be okay with asking all folks in your life how they identify, how they want to be perceived, and how they wish to be included. Talking openly is how we connect and create change.
If all that felt like a “Gender Inclusion 101” sandwich, with about four sides added, let me break down some clear takeaways:
- Don’t cancel women’s spaces/groups, they’re still vitally important
- Ask people how they would like to be perceived and included
- Be prepared for new spaces to arise, no matter how small they may start out
- Understand individual differences. Be open to conversation, questions and adaptation
- Consider whether your space is rightfully named as “women in” or if your purpose is unrelated to gender
- Be kind. It’s simple, and is all each and every one of us really needs
I’d love to continue this conversation and hear other perspectives, so feel free to comment, or track me down on LinkedIn and let me know your thoughts.
