I Learned to Hide
Poetry
I had only dad for me,
when all were around
I had confessed to him everything,
my soulmate though not his favorite,
the sense of comfort with him was humongous
and I had always confided in him as if he was my mom.
and that day,
when I saw my nipple swelled
I ran to him
and told him something is wrong with my left breast,
it has swelled and
and Dad had called Ma and told her,
‘take care of my little girl’
and assure me all is fine.
And Ma would take me to the other room and rebuke me,
why you have to tell Dad,
I never answered her because I did not have an answer
I was too small to understand and explain things,
only that I found Dad so close
never felt like hiding anything at all!
And then that day,
in the morning I woke up with an awkward feeling,
I felt I had pee blood and
my panties were red,
breathless I ran again to him
and declared that something is drastically wrong with me,
and he would assure me all is fine
And call Ma and tell her,
‘Take care of my little girl’ and then
Ma would take me to the other room
and again ask me why I had to tell Dad everything.
My aunts would laugh at me
I never answered them,
I never had an answer.
And as I grew into my puberty with men-roving eyes
dart straight into my self-confidence and
how I would abhor those stares,
when I entered the hall and
I told Dad,
I feel awkward in a crowd
and he would assure me
all is fine
call Ma and tell her,
‘Take care of my little girl’.
And then that day when on the sofa
sitting on my uncle's lap
playing until the lights went off and
I felt fingers crawling all over me until
it cupped my little breast
I knew I had to run to Dad
and tell him all and
saw him sitting on his cot
but I couldn’t say a word,
stiff like a wood I stood,
reluctant to tell anything.
Dad looked at me from far
his discreet eyes perhaps knew all
he shouted for Ma,
called Ma and told her,
‘Take care of my little girl’
she has something to hide;
Ma took me aside,
I was teary-eyed,
she had asked me WHY?
and for the first time, I told her all,
she asked me to keep quiet
‘did you tell anyone?’
I said, ‘No’, with my choked voice
‘Don’t tell Dad’ and for the first time I obeyed her,
I know not why
I was too small to explain
I kept quiet,
I grew up that day
learned to hide things from Dad
ashamed of being a girl
I was no more Daddy’s girl!
