New Years Existential Crisis: What the Hell am I Doing?
Poetry
I don’t know what I’m doing
Did I ever know?
Day after day wondering when I got it wrong
When happiness turned to straw
And the best thing for me became
A plunge to the bottom
An ending strangled by the thought that I should have fought em
For me and the other half, I keep under the screen.
Unseen but not forgotten.
My life is a waste
I live in disgrace
Squalor adores me
Decay kisses my knuckles
And leaves them bruised
I wander far to find my feet still locked at the starting line
After all
There are mountains that we scale only to find the same landscape locked on the other side
My agony begs
Sits hand in hand with fire
Conscious dressed scantily
Throwing backward glances to the next buyer
It’s somehow assured that I won’t get burned
Like the others here before me
But don’t worry, I’m always prepared to flee
Marked by a need to get close to the debris
But not to end up as part of the compost
Seduced as I am with the welcoming toasts
And not the final bow-wow
Having seen everyone else in my life say ciao
I learned to run too or be the one to be said bye to
So I won’t end up a part of the ashes when the fire’s force goes from low to high and singes my eyelashes
I don’t know what I’m doing
Did I ever know?
Dissuade me
Berate me
Is it too late to resuscitate me?
Bring me back to life
Wipe my slate clean
Restart the scene
Don’t give up on me
Please
I wouldn’t come back if I knew that this was it
Like the arrow that leaves behind more sorrows
I pray to you, un-sharpen the tip
I’ll take you on a trip
Unhand me, lay me naked by the dock, and sand me
I know
I know
I’m the wheezing of an engine
Set with its intentions
I wouldn’t say this to you
If it wasn’t true
Then again, my sadness isn’t anything new
You’ve been waiting for this to happen
I promised that my love wouldn’t slacken
But failed you time and time again
Just like you failed me
This is what transpires between two lost tires glued to the same device
But moving in opposite directions
The crash was in the works from the second we desired
Even as we had to admit that a love like ours was
uninspired
Driven by lust, a hot-pang of envy for slow-burning destruction
A manifestation of years of unattended thoughts and wants molding from inaction
I don’t know what I’m doing
Did I ever know?
The drawers to my heart are nude
Ostentatious and encouraged to reach new aptitudes for madness
The theatrics often follow when you think there’s no tomorrow
I’m inclined to say goodbye
A famine of the mind
Leaves little for others to find
So goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
No more to be seen
And like that, I end the scene
Goodbye
Farwell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
I thought this ending would be clean
Why do you choose to be obscene?
Goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
I’ll leave you with a smile plastered on my face like a figurine
Leave dashes of my sweetness on your tongue like a nectarine
Goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
Are you planning on sprinkling the gasoline
Destroying the gold winged limousine prepared to take me to the ethers of wherever heaven used to be
Before it knew that those like me
— not evil, but irredeemable nonetheless —
Could enter its mighty gates
Goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow No tomorrow
Bounce faster and faster on the trampoline until I’m hurtled into space
Flying next to the dying stars
Pretending that I’m going far
Only to unfasten my hold on silly rations of hope
Before the disparaging thoughts can convene
A death to my dreams that was foreseen
Goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
Next, I zoom around in my submarine
Hope to crash and drink tea with the fish as my body turns green
Goodbye
Farewell
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
Your love was not alabaster,
It made me want to run faster
Meeting you was not like dining on fine cuisine
Years with you was like taking a vaccine
One that left me wary of love foreign and directed at me
You made me believe that I wasn’t wanted
And now I’m still haunted
Yes,
I get hurt too
After all,
I’m not a machine
As much as it ails me to say so
