Scoot Skedaddle Vamoose — Age 10, part 1
Chapter 3— a novel about anxiety — insecurity and self-gratification
Why do I see my nose?
This thought had popped inside Karan’s mind yesterday while studying for the history exam, and it had paralyzed him with anxiety. He had pondered over it for several hours last night, but the anxiety had not abated. He discussed it with Usman and some others at school, but they hadn’t given him an answer. It frustrated him that no one else seemed as bothered with their nose as he was, even though everyone agreed they’d seen their nose.
“Yes, Karan! I do see my nose, but so what! Why is it bothering you so much?” his friends had told him, while he listened helplessly.
In the end, he stopped talking about it and kept the entire matter to himself. He churned it over in his head, looking for an answer.
The History exam was a day away now, he should have been studying instead of thinking about his nose.
I see my nose because it constantly reminds me that I have a body. If I don’t see my nose I might forget that I have a body — he couldn’t stop thinking about an explanation as to why he was seeing his nose.
Goddammit! That doesn’t feel right — I see my nose because it reminds me of my body?! No, there is something wrong with this explanation. It just doesn’t feel correct. I know I have a body. I can feel it without having to look at my nose. Maybe, seeing my nose is an extra reminder that I have a body. Yes, yes, yes. That’s why I am seeing my nose!
Karan was locked up in his room. His textbook was under his nose, and he was gently rocking back and forth in his chair. His elbows were on the desk, and his head was in his hands. It was 11 in the morning. There were six more chapters that he had to study, for the exam tomorrow.
Maybe I’ll think about the nose for fifteen minutes more and then from 11:15 am, I’ll start reading the chapter on The Gupta Empire.
He felt an irresistible urge to think about the nose. He wanted to solve the nose problem before tackling his history textbook.
God cannot give us a flawed vision. I see my nose because breathing is important, and breathing needs to be monitored by my eyes… But it’s so damn distracting.
“I won’t notice my nose if I concentrate on my studies,” this was the millionth time he had repeated this to himself.
He was in a lot of stress now. He needed to get going with the history textbook. He had already wasted about forty-five minutes thinking about his nose.
Mom pushed open the door and said:
“Hey, do you want something to eat or anything?”
Karan felt extremely irritated. He did not like being disturbed when he was studying, especially when he was trying very hard to solve a problem — the nose problem.
“No,” he said. He kept his eyes on his textbook and did not look at Mom. He wanted to show that he was annoyed. She sensed it and left. He went back to his book and read the lines in his mind.
Samudragupta was not a great military leader but also encouraged the growth of art and literature in his kingdom.
The heading of the paragraph he was reading was ‘Cultural creativity during the Gupta rule’. The entire paragraph had been underlined with a pencil, and marked ‘very, very important’. The history teacher had spent a considerable amount on this paragraph while teaching at school, and it was highly likely that a question or two in the exam was going to be based on it.
The Ajanta and Ellora caves are monuments modeled in the Guptan style. It lies in the Aurangabad district of Maharashtra, and I see my nose because it’s important for breathing. But I only see a flicker. If it was important for breathing I should have seen the entire nose, why just a flicker?
Why am I seeing my nose? Goddammit! I should stop thinking about this nonsense right now.
Karan stepped out of his room. He couldn’t get his mind to study, and whatever little he had read from the book, he had read it haphazardly. He was going to need multiple rounds of revision before the exam. But he was tremendously fatigued — a lot of mental energy had gone into the nose problem. He went to Mom and asked her for lunch.
“So. How is the studying going?” asked Mom, during lunch.
They were sitting opposite each other at the dining table. Mom looked a little tired — she looked ready for her afternoon lap as soon as she finished her lunch.
“It’s going good. But I am still seeing my nose,” said Karan. “Mom, don’t you get bothered by your nose?”
“Beta, what is with you and your nose? I don’t get you,” said Mom. She sounded somewhere between confused and concerned. “Maybe, you have been in your room for a long time and need to relax. Why don’t you take a break, and watch TV for a while?”
It was very soothing for Karan to listen to Mom. She always suggested he relax and watch TV, never pressurized him. He was tempted to accept her suggestion. But then he remembered that to be great one had to make a lot of sacrifices and go through a lot of struggles.
“No, no,” he said to Mom. “I have to complete the syllabus. Can’t watch TV.”
Karan went to his room and decided to give Shaunak a call. Shaunak was the guy who came second in class. Karan hated him — they were competitors. But he was also a friend because they had similar interests in life — studying.
Shaunak’s phone was busy.
Who might he be talking to? — Karan thought. Is he discussing important exam questions with someone?
Karan decided to call Ranjit. Ranjit was the guy who came 3rd in class. Karan hated him as well, but the reasons were slightly different. Ranjit was an intelligent and rational person, and Karan was intimidated by him. He felt stupid in front of Ranjit. But Karan consoled himself by thinking:
I am better than him. I come 1st and he comes 3rd.
Ranjit’s phone rang…
“Hello,” said Ranjit. A loud music played in the background.
“Hey, Karan here, what’s that?” Karan asks about the blaring music.
“Oh, nothing. These guys have been playing music in the Durga puja pandal.”
“Oh, it must be difficult for you to study then, no?” Karan anticipated Ranjit’s answer to be a ‘yes’.
That would make him happy. He too had a lot to study and it would have been a relief if Ranjit was on the same boat.
“Not really. I have already completed the syllabus. So it’s fine.” Ranjit’s voice was calm and cool, as always. It infuriated Karan.
How can he be so relaxed before the exams, especially when there is so much noise pollution in his neighborhood? How can he be so chilled out?
Karan was shocked by Ranjit’s confidence. ‘I have completed the syllabus.’ — Karan could have never said such a thing even if he had completed the syllabus. He always felt the need for a round or two of revision. There was always something remaining, there was always self-doubt.
“Are you serious?” said Karan.
He couldn’t believe Ranjit had completed the syllabus when he was not even halfway through it.
“Yes,” said Ranjit.
Karan waited for him to say more but was confronted by cold silence, only hearing the noise in the background. He felt awkward by this silence.
“Are you saying you remember all the chapters properly?” said Karan. He wanted evidence from Ranjit. Otherwise, there was no way he was going to believe him.
“Yes,” said Ranjit. Cold silence again. Awkward pause.
“Let me put it again,” said Karan. “You’re saying that you’ve read every chapter thoroughly and revised everything?”
“I read it once. I am ready for the exam,” said Ranjit.
Karan tapped his foot, violently.
“OK. Let me test you then?” Let’s see how much you remember, you asshole. “It would be a good revision for you.”
“Fine,” said Ranjit. His monosyllabic answers annoyed the fuck out of Karan.
“OK,” Karan took a deep breath, “Tell me, what are the five vows taken by the followers of Jainism?”
“Non-violence,” said Ranjit.
“OK, that’s one. What about the remaining four?” Karan interrupted him.
He wished with all his heart that Ranjit would not remember the vows properly. If that happened he would feel good.
“Not lying, not stealing, maintaining chastity… how many is that?”
“Four,” said Karan, and prayed to god — make him forget the last one, please.
“Non-attachment. Right?”
“Right,” said Karan. There was a drop in his voice. He felt low and depressed. But he didn’t want to give up — it was his competitive spirit. So he asked another question. “Ranjit, do you remember the Sanskrit terms for these vows?”
“No. Did not bother to study that,” said Ranjit.
Karan felt a sudden tingling of excitement. Awesome, so he doesn’t know everything.
“Oh. But the Sanskrit names are important. You will get extra marks if you write the Sanskrit names in brackets alongside the English ones.”
Karan’s voice regained its intensity.
“It’s all right, man. I don’t want to remember those stupid names. I am fine,” Ranjit sounded unmoved.
“Arey, but history ma’am has marked that entire line as very, very important. We should remember it.”
“I don’t care what history ma’am says. What’s important is I understand the principle behind these vows and the core message it communicate. Whether I remember the English or Sanskrit version or both it doesn’t matter as long as I understand the text.”
How can he not care what history ma’am says? He doesn’t have any respect for teachers. With that attitude, he is not going to become great in life. I will because I respect my teachers and do as they say.
“Arey, it will take two minutes to learn the vows in Sanskrit. It’s easy. Let me tell you. Non-violence in Sanskrit is ahimsa, not stealing is asteya, chastity — brahmacharya and non-attachment is aparigraha.”
The main reason for this conversation was for Karan to show how much he knew.
I have completed the entire syllabus, hmph. This will teach you a lesson, Ranjit, to not tell people you have completed the entire syllabus. Karan grinned. He was feeling happy.
“Man, Karan. You are a one-rote learner,” said Ranjit, and chuckled.
“What do you mean?” Karan felt extremely offended.
“Nothing,” said Ranjit. He did not want to get into a fight.
“I am not a rote-learner, OK? I believe in studying everything properly unlike you who studies half the things and then goes around proclaiming, ‘I have completed the entire syllabus.’ Hmph.”
“OK, fine.”
“This is the reason you come 3rd. Because you don’t study properly and you call other people rote-learners.”
Karan hung up. He was infuriated as hell. I’m trying to help him by telling him the Sanskrit names are important, and he calls me a rote-learner. This is so unfair. The world is full of unfair people. You help them and all you get in return is ridicule.
He called Shaunak — the guy who came 2nd. He was in a bad mood, and he wanted to bitch about Ranjit. Shaunak loved to bitch about people. He and Karan bonded over it.
Shaunak picked up the phone.
“Hey, Karan here. What’s up?”
“Just finished having lunch,” said Shaunak.
“What did you eat?”
Karan made small talk and he felt comfortable before asking him the important questions.
“Rice with mango and milk,” said Shaunak.
That is so gross. Karan made a face. I shouldn’t have asked him that question.
“How many chapters did you finish, Shaunak?”
“Two more left. I’m reading the chapter on the Indus Valley civilization right now. I’ll complete the remaining chapters tomorrow morning. What about you?”
“Same here. Just two more chapters to go.” Karan lied. He had four more chapters but didn’t want to boost Shaunak’s confidence by telling him he was far behind him. “Do you know, Ranjit told me he’s finished the entire syllabus.”
“Really?” Shaunak sounded nervous.
“Yes. I spoke to him just now before calling you.”
“Ei, man, it’s OK. Let’s not talk about that. Leave it. Ei, man, what are we to gain by it?”
Shaunak sounded like he didn’t want to get overburdened by Ranjit’s triumphs.
“Or he claims to have completed the entire syllabus, I should say,” said Karan, with a very sly and manipulative tone.
He wanted Shaunak to get interested in the conversation.
“Oh. What do you mean, haan?” said Shaunak with a start.
He has taken the bait — Karan smiled to himself.
“When Ranjit told me that he had finished the syllabus, my first instinct was not to believe him,” began Karan. “You know how Ranjit is. Acting smart all the time. So I tell him that I want to test him. I ask him the Sanskrit version of the vows of Jainism, and he doesn’t remember a single word of it. Hah! These people I tell you, Shaunak. They don’t study anything properly and then go on parading that they know the entire syllabus.”
Shaunak laughed.
“Yeah, man. Ranjit is like that only. Ei, man, leave it. Leave it. What do we care?” The nervousness from his voice had vanished.
“This Ranjit fellow is weird,” said Karan. “Acting smart all the time. You know he has no friends.”
“Yeah,” said Shaunak. “He hangs out with many people but he has no close friends. Because he never tells you anything personal.”
“Do you think he is intelligent?” said Karan.
He called me a rote learner — Karan felt insecure about his intelligence. He had always felt insecure about Ranjit. He despised his free-thinking spirit. He despised the fact that Ranjit was so independent, and did not need any friend to bitch to. I have never seen him bitching about anyone. How is it possible to be so confident?
“Hey, man. Leave it no. I don’t want to talk about other people’s intelligence. Please, man,” said Shaunak.
His insecurity had surfaced again.
Shaunak is such a cowardly pussy. Gets scared by every little thing — Karan smirked to himself.
“When did you wake up today, Shaunak?” said Karan.
He wanted to know how long he’d been studying. His question was a proxy for ‘How many hours did you study today, Shaunak?’
“Seven this morning,” said Shaunak.
Damn it. I woke up at 10 am. Shit, he must have studied more than me then.
“So have you been studying all this while? When did you go to sleep last night?” said Karan.
“I slept at 2 AM last night.”
Damn, he must have studied a lot more than me. Damn. He might beat me in the exam this time. Shit.
“Wow, you slept only 5 hours yesterday!” Karan sounded very jealous. He could never sleep so less, he needed at least 7 hours of sleep every day. “How can you do that, man?” There was a restlessness in his voice. “Hey, I should go and study. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
Karan locked the door of his room and buried his head in the history textbook. He was extremely tense. Both Shaunak and Ranjit were ahead of him. He read a few lines from the textbook and his stress levels shot up.
Four more chapters to go, goddammit!
He turned around in his chair and looked at the picture of Lord Narasimha hanging on the opposite wall. Help me Narasimh bhagavan! I want to come 1st. I don’t want to be beaten by Shaunak.
He stared at an illustration, at the beginning of the chapter on Jainism. It was a statue of naked Vardhamana Mahavira, the founder of Jainism, sitting in the lotus position.
“How am I ever going to finish all of this,” he said looking at the length of the chapters.
He started reading the first line:
Jainism is an ancient religion from India. The central tenet of this religion is non-violence and respect towards all living beings. Why do I see a flicker of my nose?
The nose thought struck again.
Maybe, the human body is a flawed design. That’s why I see my nose. But god can’t give us a flawed design. This makes no sense. Dammit. I should concentrate on my textbook, not my nose.
He repeated the first line from the chapter again:
Jainism is an ancient religion from India. The central tenet of this religion… Maybe my nose is longer than others? Goddammit. Focus! Jainism is an ancient religion from India. Jainism is an ancient religion from India. Jainism is an ancient religion from India. It’s only a flicker of my nose I see.
Karan was heavily distracted. He couldn’t focus on his study — the thought of the nose kept bothering him. He decided to give Usman a call. Usman was a real friend because he was not good at studies and Karan did not view him as a competitor. Karan did not feel threatened by Usman. He liked talking to Usman, and in moments of stress, he always fell back on him.
“Usman, Karan here. Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about my nose. It’s distracting me. I have a lot to study.”
“Oh my god, Karan,” said Usman, in his usual sweet and effeminate tone. He had a high-pitched voice and Karan felt ticklish. “You still can’t get over your nose? Oh my god, Karan.”
“Yeah, Usman. And I am very anxious. Shaunak and Ranjit have both completed the syllabus.”
Karan didn’t bother to ask Usman how his studies were going. Even if he has completed the syllabus it doesn’t matter. He comes… like 25th in the class. He is not smart enough — Karan thought.
“Oh, don’t worry. You will top the class. You always do,” Usman placated him. Karan enjoyed the flattery.
“Tell me, Usman. Do you think I am intelligent? Or do you think I am just a rote learner?”
“Karan, you are very, very intelligent,” said Usman. He had never told Karan anything bad about him. Always good things. That’s why Karan liked keeping him near.
“Usman, you are my best friend,” said Karan.
“Karan, you are my best friend too.”
“You know, Ranjit thinks that I am a rote-learner. I think he is just jealous of me. Do you think Ranjit is intelligent?”
“You are the most intelligent person in the class, Karan. Everyone knows that.”
“And that Shaunak is an insecure pussy. He is always afraid and jealous of me.”
“That’s why he comes 2nd Karan. No one can beat you.”
Karan almost choked with emotion. He needed to hear this from someone, he had been feeling very insecure all this while. “Usman. You are my true friend, Usman. Tell me you will always be my best friend.”
Usman chuckled like a girl. Karan found it very funny. He smirked.
“Yes, Karan. I will always be your best friend. You should study now if you have so many chapters left.”
“But, Usman,” Karan talked like a little kid. He needed attention. “I still see my nose, Usman.”
“Uff, Karan. Oh my god!” said Usman, very sweetly. “Accha, maybe take a nap right now. After that, you will feel fresh and you can start studying again.”
Karan took Usman’s advice. He was too tired and too stressed and could benefit from a nap. He jumped into bed and closed his eyes. Om Namas Shivaay — Bhum Bhum Bhole. Om Namas Shivaay — Bhum Bhum Bhole. Om Namas Shivaay — Bhum Bhum Bhole — he chanted this mantra in his mind.
When he woke up he felt extremely light-headed. All the anxiety and the stress from before had completely vanished now. Without wasting a minute he plunged himself into studying and for the next few hours, his concentration remained uninterrupted — like the flow of oil from a tilted bottle. He studied all the chapters properly.
The next morning before the exams, he revised the chapters and left for school. Outside the examination hall, he met Ranjit. He greeted him with a dry smile — he hadn’t forgiven Ranjit for calling him a rote learner last night on the phone.
Karan’s history exam went very well. He answered all the questions and the language he used to write the answers was verbatim from the textbook. He felt very proud of himself that he remembered the text properly. He also felt very confident about the answers — my answers cannot be wrong. I have written in the same way as it is written in the textbook. History ma’am is going to be very impressed by it.
After writing the last word of the history exam Karan kept his pen down, took a deep breath, and relaxed. He was relieved that the exam had gone well and reveled in happiness. Outside the school, after the exam, he met Shaunak and Ranjit. They were sucking on a rupee-pepsi-sticks. Karan bought one for himself — cola-flavored, his favorite.
“So how did the exam go? I think I will get everything correct,” he said, smugly.
Shaunak had a nervous frown on his face. “Ei, man, I don’t know,” he said. “Ei, please, leave it. Don’t discuss it until after the exam. Ei, please,” he pleaded.
“What about you, Ranjit?” said Karan. “Your exam must have gone well. You had completed the entire syllabus, no?” he said sarcastically, then glanced at Shaunak and smirked.
“I wrote what I thought were my interpretations from the text, whatever I had understood. Let’s see how it goes.”
“Good, good,” said Karan. He must have written some crap. My answers are precise. I am going to beat him — he grinned to himself.
A week later the history results came out. Karan had scored 97, Shaunak, 81, and Ranjit, 79. The rest of the class had scored way below them. After the answer sheets were handed out, the history teacher made an announcement:
“This history paper was difficult, and, understandably, you all have performed so poorly. But there is one person who has truly surprised me. That is Karan. When I set this paper I did not imagine anyone would score above 85. I was very impressed to look at Karan’s answer sheet. He wrote it the way it is explained in the textbook, and that’s why he got 97. You guys should take inspiration from him.”
Everybody in the class looked at Karan. They seemed to be in awe of him. A wave of joy rushed down his spine and it tickled him with joy. He was extremely, extremely satisfied with the attention he was getting. The history teacher’s compliments had made him giddy with happiness.
