How to get a girlfriend while quarantined (using Hinge)

The pandemic has upended civilization as we know it, and dating, though it has always been a throbbing headache, has become even more challenging in the wake of social distancing. While dating should certainly not be our top priority in these precarious and troubling times, I know there are some crazy men out there jonesing for a boo thang, and I am sensitive to the difficulty of trying to adapt your dating practices to the current circumstances. So, although I am pretty unconvinced that a vibrant and healthy relationship can blossom from corona contaminated soil, I am here to offer some help with my digital dating expertise.

Just to preface, I myself am currently not dating. Less because of the pandemic and the ensuing restrictions, and more so of my own volition, since I try to refrain from activities that can be classified as self-harm. However, I am graciously imparting my knowledge to you by crafting a fake Hinge profile and explaining the strategy behind every picture and writing prompt. Hopefully, by the end of this tutorial, you will have the knowledge and tools necessary to assemble a compelling and irresistible profile for yourself, allowing you to embark on your own #HingeBinge with confidence and optimism. So let’s get into it, shall we?

The Highest Law of Dating

It is important to share with you the highest law of dating, which will inform everything we do on our profile: DATING IS DECEPTION. You must master the art of deception to have success in dating — and don’t try to contest this law by giving some treacly moral argument rank with naïveté. You best believe that girl you are talking to is flirting with at least 20 other guys, but she would never make that known to you. Honesty and integrity cease to have value in the nihilistic and hyper competitive playing field of dating, so it’s time to kick all scruples to the curb and put on your game face, playa.

Prompt #1:

Yes, I am quite aware this is something only a psychopath would do. However, it separates you from “the herd” — you want to stand out as much as possible, even if it means throwing your psychological stability into question. As much as this may raise alarm, it piques curiosity — who knows, maybe on your first date, you could introduce her to the dry, yet unexpectedly delicious taste of bread crust.

Image #2 (Image #1 is the header for this article and needs no explanation):

Nope, I didn’t snap this self-absorbed, carefully lighted gem at my beach house — but she doesn’t need to know that. Notice the absence of a smile — it’s a mean mug par excellence. You must channel your inner d-bag and brazenly project that image. Girls don’t want your feelings, so wipe them off your face — you are a cold, stone-hearted lady killer, though not the Ted Bundy kind of lady killer just to clarify.

Your Bio Card:

Remember the highest law of dating? Well it really comes into play with your bio card. Now, I am no lawyer — I would not be able to tell you the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor nor could I define a substantive law versus a procedural law. However, what I do know is that the title of lawyer carries with it an association of wealth and prestige — two things that very much give you a leg up in dating. Other professions that could also work are CEO, CFO, doctor, professional athlete, politician, etc.

As you can see, I claim to work for the law practice, Affleck & Damon. Basically, I generated a list of actors’ last names that often star in the same movies together: Ferrell & Reilly, Vaughn & Wilson, Poehler & Fey, Rock & Hart (really like that one — it’s trademarked, but the others are fair game). I then chose the combination that sounded most official, and voila, you have a bogus law firm!

As for the rest of my bio card, I decided to go with Buddhism as my religion and liberal as my political affiliation because they are what’s hot right now. Buddhism implies self-discovery, yoga, meditation, Lululemon, veganism, and CBD oil — it encompasses all the essentials of the modern, “woke” woman. You have to cater to the latest trends in order to grab the largest audience. Does it mean selling your soul away? Yes. But your heart will be full of peace and love, and your stomach will be full of quinoa and falafel.

Image #3:

You have to show them that you like to let loose and have a good time. This is me shotgunning an orange vanilla coke because I’m the life of the party. No one can shotgun an orange vanilla coke like yours truly, but then again, how many people in their right mind would shotgun soda and take burning carbonation right down the throat and eventually up into the nostrils? Well, sanity was never really my thing…

Prompt #2:

In order to avoid slipping into Jeffrey Epstein and R. Kelly territory, it is imperative to set a strict lower parameter for age. Of course, Hinge prohibits users under 18 from making an account; however, this isn’t completely air tight, since women notoriously lie about their age. Therefore, this prompt serves as an additional safeguard.

Image #4:

If you can cook, that’s something you will definitely want to showcase on your profile. However, deconstructed sushi may not be the best example of your culinary artistry.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Hinge is bursting with surprises (most of them unpleasant); however, I am completely befuddled at the moment. This is the most commonly “liked” picture on my profile thus far — but why?

Let’s take a closer look at this monstrosity of a meal:

That’s absolutely vile! Let me inform you of the three ingredients that comprise deconstructed sushi — seaweed paper, microwaveable rice, and soy sauce. Imagine if Gordon Ramsay set his eyes upon this stomach-turning insult to the Japanese people. I really don’t know if I should pity the girls who have liked this picture on my profile or be deeply disturbed.

Prompt #3:

Where are my Tiger King faithful at? We all know that minx Carole Baskin offed her husband and fed him to her tigers. But perhaps, I’m a bit biased, since my imaginary law firm, Affleck & Damon, represents Joe Exotic.

Image #5:

Facts though. I am kind of procrastinating on the whole wife thing because I know marriage will mean sacrificing sleeping with my pups. And I’m not ready to relegate them to the floor. Dogs will enhance your profile enormously, and they will also weed out crazy cat ladies, which saves you a lot of trouble down the road.

Image #6 (Video):

You want to make a lasting final impression — really show them that you can grab life by the horns. Here’s a video of me riding a mechanical bull — I am still upset about this whole deal. The woman before me had a nice and gentle ride like she was on a pony at a six-year old’s birthday party. However, as soon as I hopped on, the operator wasted no time in cranking that boy all the way up, and I was thrown off in a matter of seconds. I guess that’s how they treat yuppies in Kalamazoo.

Parting words

So there you have it…now, I can let you loose to roam the vast (often too vast) lands of Hinge. You will stumble upon many rocks, but very few are gold; however, fortune favors the persistent and the bold.

How is my profile doing? Well, let’s just say none of the girls who’ve liked me so far would break the starting five in my metaphorical lineup of dating. I’ve also hooked one tranny, so I guess that proves my profile accommodates all gender identities. Moreover, a considerable percentage of these girls look like they would drug me and feed me to tigers, so I have opted not to initiate any conversations.

But anyways, godspeed my intrepid, hopelessly romantic voyager! May your swipes be prosperous!