Hey Jose, Show Me The Way
(This article was originally written by Andy Lutzky and has been republished with his permission)
Mark Ingram thought, for sure, he had blacked out again.
“I had been drinking pretty bad the night before, see,” said the wildly underperforming former second-round pick of Team Quijano.
It was that kind of season for Ingram. After “earning” a second-round selection from owner Karena Quijano — yes, you guessed it, the ever-creative owner of Team Quijano — the Quijano’s “earned” themselves a draft day full of ridicule.
Ingram, perhaps feeling the pressure, turned to the bottle. And his performance showed, earning just 30.5 points in the first 10 weeks of the season, including an 11-point “explosion” in Week 2.
“Man, I’ve been fucked up most of the season,” Ingram confirmed, clenching an empty jello shot container. “Me and Marshawn [Lynch] would hit up Applebee’s before every game. You give him chicken wings and Hennessy, and all of a sudden he’s Beast Mode. Me? I’m just Feast Mode.”
Despite the ridicule, excessive alcoholism, horrendously overrated appetizer selections and all-around awful performances, Quijano refused to release the former Heisman Trophy winner, game-day blackouts and all, waiting — like every fantasy owner in America, and the real-life Sants — for Ingram to show something, anything, that proved he belongs in the NFL.
Then, “Feast Mode” found his secret. “Tequilla,” said Ingram, revealing a massive Jose Cuervo tattoo on his chest. “El Especial” ripped off three of his best performances of the season in the playoffs alone, earning him a start in the championship game.
The pressure came back. So did the Hennessy.
“Beast Mode, that asshole, he told me I had to come back and try the new Monte Cristo,” said Ingram, swaying left and right, “and all of a sudden, we’re two bottles of Hennessy deep. I can’t see shit, at one point, I think [Ben] Roethlisberger asked me out, and then…”
Ingram’s next memory? Standing up in the end zone, rewarding his owner’s faith by contributing 11.5 points in the TBD Bowl game. Ingram’s TD ended up making the difference in Team Quijano’s six-point win over heavily-favored Bubb Rubb, 132.5–126.5.
“AHHHH SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET,” added the profound Lynch, slumped in the corner of the room, covered in barbecue sauce from his post-game celebration party at — yep, Applebee’s.
Lynch — who added 28 shitfaced points of his own — combined with Roddy White (34 points) and Marques Colston (23 points) to combine for one of the largest three-teammate point totals of the season, carrying Team Quijano beyond subpar performances by the confused Roethlisberger, Brandon Gibson and Lawrence Tynes.
As for Bubb Rubb — whose owner, Frank Bauch, seemed destined to add another 2012 title to his already full fireplace mantle — their championship hopes were undone by their own underwhelming performances. His entire squad turned in average-or-beter performances, save two: Frank Gore chipped in a season-low 2 points, and the 4 points from Chris Johnson were his worst since Week 2.
That was the only opening that the Lynch-White-Colston trifecta needed.
“How the hell should we have known that Montell Owens would outscore CJ2K,” asked a perplexed Cam Newton, who also might have been drunk most of the year. “I still don’t even know who that guy is.”
Perhaps it’s fitting that a random like Montell Owens could have turned the fate of the championship game. It’s an appropriate end for the first season of D2: a 6–6 champion, in a game determined in part by a player drafted 10 rounds over their value, with a team who scored their most points since Week 4, upending a heavily favored higher seed that was stocked with some of the best players in the league.
Faced with odds like that, it’s no surprise Ingram spent Christmas Day celebrating with a stiff drink. He’s a champion, after all.
“Mazel Tov, bitches, it’s Passover,” exclaimed Ingram, likely confused over what day it was and what religion he is. “Just like Drake said, in that…song…we are the champions…it’s not loser time yet…hey Big Ben, can you give me a ride home?”
