THE UNWATCHED CLASSIC: Harrer Cup 2013
Klemp and Harrer put on a show for the ages…in a game no one ever saw
(This article was originally written by Andy Lutzky and has been republished with his permission)
Andrew Luck will never forget the feeling.
The charmed QB — having won championships and awards at every level — sat alone on the bench, furious with anger and disgusted in embarrassment, having lost the 2013 Harrer Bowl, thus anointing his Gangstas as the league’s worst team. Adding insult to injury, Luck’s squad was blown out by a team that many consider the worst of the modern era.
Meanwhile, Gangstas owner Dan Klempay quietly shook the hands of his management team, led by his influential mini chihuahua, Sniffles. Phase 2 of the rebuilding job finished in resounding success. Dealing star players like Dez Bryant and Arian Foster and taking on injured stalwarts like Julio Jones, Klempay always had his eye on 2014, amassing a league-high total of draft picks for next year’s draft.
“I’m never one to get into team strategy,” said oft-injured TE Rob Gronkowski. “…I had a second point to make. Shit…come back in like, 5 minutes.”
“Well, at least this feels like real life,” said Bills D following the game.
The only greater embarrassment to Luck than losing the Harrer Bowl: as per Harrer Bowl rules, you are stuck playing your Harrer Bowl opponent over and over for as long as the real playoffs take place. Except the only result that matters is the first one. They’re like the worst kind of porn: a mere disgusting sideshow that a few onlookers pull up to make themselves feel better about the fact that, yes, there is worse shit to look at, somewhere on the Internet.
Luck — himself a fan of bestiality — made a solemn promise after last week’s Harrer Bowl.
“If I’m stuck as a rodeo clown for the next 2 weeks,” said Luck, stroking himself at the thought, “then we’re going to put on a show.”
Marshawn Lynch — himself a key player in the TBD Bowl just last year — knows what Luck is capable of.
“Ah shit that bitch, he fuckin’ goats like they’s no tomorrow,” said Lynch, who smelled like sex and Keystone Light. “Anythang wit fur and paws. Why you think that mothafucka went to ‘The Farm’? Harbaugh had his ass good.”
The Harrer Bowl rematch today had 12 fans at kickoff. One was Kristin Cavalleri, who forgot her husband, Jay Cutler, was injured. One was Mario Manningham, who forgot he’s no longer injured and sat on the sidelines as a force of habit.
With one player remaining for Harrer yet to go, those 10 fans have been treated to an incredible game so far. Luck put up 45.2 points to be the leading scorer for the week. Tom Brady and Eric Decker had massive games for The Flying Harrer’s. Marshawn Lynch delivered a Cleveland Steamer to Rashad Jennings early on, rendering him unable to play. Going into Monday night, Klempay leads Harrer by 9.8 points, with Jason Witten as the deciding factor.
It was the weekend’s best game, by a wide margin. The real playoff bracket was full of busts and blowouts. Commissioner Bergstein made his game interesting at the end, thanks to a normally spectacular night from Drew Brees, after his jaw-dropping decision to bench both uber-hot Joique Bell and team namesake Danny Amendola.
Yet, more fans tuned in to see #1 seeded Bergsister cocksmack Dave Halverson (well, if she could) in a game that saw Halverson’s starters outscore his bench just barely.
That’s okay with Luck.
“My voyeur phase is behind me,” said Luck, ushering in a panda bear on a leash clad in leather. “Oh, the game? Oh yeah, well, people paying to see me is a nice role reversal at times, but I…uh, I have to go.”
Nonplussed, Harrer knows the true victor of the 2013 Harrer Bowl.
“I know the guy that sold him that panda,” Harrer said, arms crossed and indignant. “It’s not even a real fucking panda. It’s wearing fucking pleather, where the fuck does a real panda get pleather? They don’t, those dirty fuckers. He’s no better than what you find on Canal Street. Trust me. I know.”
