SATIRICAL CENSORSHIP
I Am a Librarian. FEAR ME!
I am a Godless Marxist out to destroy America.
My degree is a Master of Marxism in Library and Information Science. The coursework at Socialist University included courses such as Influencing Young Minds, Excursions in Perversions, and Using Libraries to Thwart Religion. I was a stellar student.
My heroes are many. John Morton is top of the list. He published New English Canaan in 1627, the first book banned in America. It criticized Puritan customs and power structures and resulted in him being labeled a heretic.
We librarians know that if one is not labeled a heretic, or at least a subversive, he or she is not trying hard enough.
Thomas Jefferson also makes the list for decrying efforts to ban La Creation du Monde by Regnault de Becourt. The book dealer who sent the book to Jefferson was accused of blasphemy for his actions because the book contained passages critical of religion. Jefferson asked, “Is this then our freedom of religion?”
Way to go, Tom! And he followed this by slicing up the Bible to suit his personal needs. What a guy!
And our heroes continue into modern times. Suzette Baker, head librarian at the Llano County, Texas, branch library was fired for “creating a disturbance, insubordination, violation of policies, and failure to follow instructions.” Heinous crimes all. We’re proud of you, Suzette, for refusing to remove books from shelves that some local residents found offensive.
That’s our job, really. Offending those self-appointed guardians of the morals of America. And destroying the country at the same time.
Our job is less about worshiping the Devil (though of course, we do!) than attempting to teach people to question authority and do their own research in support of the destruction of America. It’s not hard to imagine why the proponents of blind faith would find such activities threatening.
We librarians are happy to support the work of other subversives like Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye) and Ellen Hopkins (Tricks). We even support John Green (Looking For Alaska), though he stated, “If you have a worldview that can be undone by a book, I would submit that the problem is not with the book.”
Au contraire, John. We librarians will destroy America, page by page. We know that no one ever reads a whole book anymore so we’re planting horrible stuff to be taken out of context. Which will pervert young minds, of course.
And for those of us who are forced out of our lairs..er ah..libraries, there is ample work to be done. We will sue the “righteous” into submission! Brooky Parks has been provided with a hefty bonus for her trouble. You go, girl! Continue promoting that degenerate LGBTQ+ and anti-racist literature!
And there are long-term programs as well. America won’t be destroyed in a day. Several legions of lamentable librarians are currently conspiring to reduce the republic to rubble. While we are sworn to silence on most of our nefarious activities, count on seeing a scripturally correct and sexually explicit version of the Bible on library shelves everywhere.
