DADA!

Tony Hinchcliffe Can’t Believe Trump Would Throw Him Under The Bus

And this week’s other Dada News headlines!

Photo a screenshot from this video

• Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe says it’s “so unlike” Donald Trump to throw him under the bus and claim the teleprompter joke was an ad-lib.
• Trump staffers keep accidentally referring to Trump’s second term as the “Fourth Reich” in campaign meetings.
• Stephen Miller is reportedly doubling down on his “America is for Americans and Americans only” quote, and says Elon Musk and Melania Trump will have to be deported.
• During Trump’s McDonald’s photo-op, he reportedly told the manager that presidential immunity means he doesn’t have to wash his hands after using the bathroom.
• BREAKING NEWS: A group of MAGA fans who watched Trump’s MSG rally reportedly just realized they’ve been mistaking racism for patriotism all this time, and they’re very, very sorry.
• Trump reportedly told the employees at McDonald’s, “A lot of people don’t know this, but tertiary syphilis can really damage your brain, everyone’s talking about it.”
• Trump accused Joe Biden and Kamala Harris today of “rigging the economy” against him by having the stock market continually setting new records.
• Liquor stores in blue states and districts are reporting record-breaking sales as Americans prepare to drink themselves out of consciousness if Trump wins on November 5th.
• Trump reportedly ate more McDonald’s food than he served out at his photo-op, and didn’t pay for any of it.
• Tomorrow Donald Trump is reportedly going to host an event focused on the border at a Taco Bell.
• During a prayer breakfast event this morning Trump weaved all around in his speech until he started listing a whole bunch of golfers from the 80s in order by dong size, and gave himself second place.
• While responding to rumors that he wears a diaper, Donald Trump appeared to misspeak when he said the media reporting on the fake news that he suffers from incontinence would be “crossing a brown line.”
• Trump reportedly interrupted a bar mitzvah party last night at Mar-a-Lago, and ranted for 26 minutes about how Hitler did, in fact, have loyal generals.
• A new poll found that 83% of Americans want the government to force billionaires to fight to the death gladiator-style.
• Trump’s “weaves” during his rallies have meandered to the subject of naked men in locker rooms for the last six days in a row.
• Trump says Joe Biden should award him a Purple Heart for accidentally burning himself on the McDonald’s fryer during his photo-op.
• Mike Lindell and Rudy Giuliani say they have “nothing left to lose,” so they’re preparing to risk billions more in lawsuits accusing all the voting machine companies of rigging the election again.
• Staffers close to Donald Trump say he’s increasingly asking questions about prison during campaign meetings.
• Donald Trump says it should be illegal for anyone to call him the following names: Diaper Don, Mushroom Man, Toupee Trump, the Senile Penile, Roast Beef B.O., Epstein’s Best Bud, Convicted Felon, Dotard, Putin’s Bitch Boy, Bunker Boy, and Fatty Fascist.
• A judge in Florida says Donald Trump’s excessive use of makeup qualifies him within the strict phrasing of the state’s law as a drag queen, and therefore Trump can’t go to his voting location in Palm Beach to vote in person because drag queens are banned from schools.
• The liberal billionaire who just bought several miles of seafloor land offshore of Mar-a-Lago says he will build as many windmills as can fit along with a big statue of John McCain directly in front of Trump’s penthouse window.
• Donald Trump has reportedly directed his staff to have his private plane ready to go at a moment’s notice on November 5th, and “have enough fuel to get to Moscow.”
• The October surprise is reportedly a nude selfie of Trump that a catfishing Harris staffer got from him while pretending to be a Russian ballet dancer who looks like Ivanka.
• Mark Cuban is reportedly paying for the construction of a fake White House themed retirement home for Trump to spend his sundowning years pretending he’s still president with TVs that replay Fox News content from 2017–2021 and a phone without service or wifi.
• Mar-a-Lago members are claiming God intends to intervene in the election in favor of Trump after a used adult diaper Trump left in the trash was found to have a brown stain they claim looks “unmistakably like the Virgin Mary.”
• Trump says he will make the children of America rich by giving them all the agricultural, meat-processing, and landscaping jobs left behind by deported immigrants.
• Stephen Miller reportedly handed out some red armbands with T’s on them he made at the end of Donald Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden.
• Trump reportedly ratted out Jared Kushner to the feds about being an unregistered foreign agent because Jared wouldn’t give him any of the $2 billion in Saudi money, even though Jared only got it thanks to the administration job Trump gave him.
• RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump has been so busy recording her next unauthorized Tom Petty cover that she reportedly forgot she was the RNC co-chair for the last two weeks.
• Leaked memos from Donald Trump’s lawyers appear to suggest that if he loses the election his legal defense strategy in all his criminal trials will shift to claiming he’s “too senile to have knowingly broken the law.”
• A homophobic televangelist accidentally outed himself during a church service yesterday after he told his congregation to look out for the “Gay Agenda,” and several worshippers downloaded Grindr to spy on nearby gays and found the televangelist’s account.
• Joe Biden is reportedly going to pardon one of Trump’s 34 felony convictions just to get it back in the news that Trump is literally a convicted felon with a big ceremony highlighting all of Trump’s other ongoing criminal investigations and trials.
• Trump reportedly stopped a meeting with his lawyers abruptly today when they brought up his ongoing criminal trials for January 6th and hoarding classified documents, and Trump made them listen to his music playlist for 96 minutes.
• A new poll finds that 0% of Republicans want their OWN daughters and wives to die from pregnancy complications that could be prevented with an abortion, just other people’s wives and daughters.
• Trump is reportedly going to fake being in a coma if he loses the election to get out of his criminal trials.
• JD Vance is reportedly “extremely frustrated” that Trump won’t stop bringing up Hitler’s generals or his idea to use the military to go after critics because, as Vance yelled at Trump staffers, “I’m the only one going on mainstream news shows to clean up his messes!”
• A Secret Service agent just confirmed that Trump’s codename was “Roast Beef” because agents had to spend so much time in close proximity to his body’s “foul deli odor.”
• Trump just canceled his rally tomorrow afternoon because McDonald’s just unveiled it’s Chicken Big Mac.
• JD Vance and Donald Trump are canceled their Madison Square Garden rally because someone put tampons in all the men’s bathrooms.
• Trump says he’ll explain why he keeps referencing Hitler’s generals “in two weeks.”
• Project 2025 says it will “ban brunch” for being too gay and bringing so many women together without any men present.
• Trump was overheard at Mar-a-Lago today yelling into his phone, “I have presidential immunity to smell however I want!”
• Trump says there are no boxes of top secret documents stashed on his private plane, so there’s no reason for the FBI to inspect it if he decides to take a vacation after the election.
• The Halfway Post would like to apologize on account of discovering that our only employee has been fictionally inventing all of our scoops, headlines, and sourcing for the last seven years. 🥃

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