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Trump is Worried He’ll Embarrass Himself Stroking Out in Office
And this week’s other Dada News headlines!
Published in
4 min readJan 7, 2025
- Trump is reportedly worried he won’t live another four years, and he’ll be “one of the embarrassing presidents like Zachary Taylor and William Harrison,” who died of natural causes in office.
- The country of Panama just banned the Trump family from entering their borders for 100 years.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because his weekend of golf ended with him losing his tournament, and now he has to actually do work tomorrow and deal with the giant mess Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy made by calling most native-born Americans mediocre losers.
- Indian-Americans are starting to suspect white MAGA fans’ “economic frustration” has racist tendencies.
- Elon Musk is reportedly furious Trump golfed all weekend, and hasn’t said a word to his supporters to tone down the racist rhetoric MAGA fans are saying about him and Vivek Ramaswamy.
- The mysterious group of feminist activists who call themselves “The Cliterati” are drafting a “Project 2029” that includes a ban on erectile dysfunction pills for men because the group says those men “should thank God for blessing them with tiny, flaccid penises.”
- Vivek Ramaswamy says he can’t believe the MAGA voters who called Nikki Haley “Nimarata Randhawa” every chance they got would turn on him for supporting Indian immigration.
- Trump reportedly asked Jimmy Carter’s family if they could bury Jimmy on his New Jersey golf course so he could get a national monument tax break.
- The feminist activists who call themselves “The Cliterati” are reportedly planning to scare away MAGA fans at Trump’s inauguration before his speech by handing out tampons to all the men.
- After watching all the accolades and praise for Jimmy Carter’s life of selfless service, Trump has reportedly decided he’s going to stop insulting people and donate all his money to charity.
- Trump is reportedly worried that when he dies his kids will be so focused on fighting each other for his money and properties they’ll just throw his body in a dumpster.
- Trump is reportedly terrified his MAGA fans will feel betrayed and never do a coup for him again if the media investigates and reveals how many immigrant workers he is employing at his properties right now.
- JD Vance has reportedly told his staffers to never publish any photos of him sitting on a couch.
- Trump says he’s bigger than Jesus because Jesus never got a second term.
- A nickname for Trump is reportedly going viral across Greenland and Denmark, and translated into English means “underwear mushroom infestation.”
- Trump is reportedly threatening that, if any tuba players come to his inauguration to play during his speech, the first executive order he’ll sign will be a 10,000% tariff on all tubas.
- A brand new MAGA spa just opened in West Virginia where the milk is raw, the food is unregulated, and “leech therapy” is used to “suck and filter out all the vaccines from conservative patriots’ blood.”
- Trump reportedly wants a “do-over” on nominating his cabinet, and says he’ll vet his nominees more this time around.
- Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas says in honor of 2025, he’s going to limit his billionaire vacations this year to only 25.
- Trump is releasing new NFTs tomorrow that feature him conquering Canada, Greenland, Panama, and obesity.
- A famously homophobic televangelist in Utah says he only filmed the gay sex tape that got publicly leaked today because, “I was so sure Kamala Harris was gonna win and turn America gay anyway.”
- Trump has reportedly been telling Mar-a-Lago members that his staff has proof Elon Musk abused our immigration laws, and that he therefore has “total control over Musk” because he can have Stephen Miller deport Musk at the moment of his choosing.
- NASA just confirmed that the James Webb Space Telescope has finished scanning the entire visible cosmos and can confidently confirm that Donald Trump is still the whiniest little bitch in the entire universe.
- Clarence Thomas reportedly doesn’t want to retire in Trump’s term because he’s worried his vacations will stop if he no longer has a vote on the Supreme Court cases billionaires care about.
- Trump says his promises and vows to end the Ukraine War on his first day as president is “maybe turning into more of a two weeks kind of goal.”
- Elon Musk has now accused every NATO nation of being a dictatorship deserving of new snap elections except, conspicuously, Russia, which actually is a dictatorship.
- The Florida state senator currently trying to ban pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school art textbooks has a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s tow hitch. 🥃
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