5 Ways To Relive This University Year
Haven’t you heard? The past year has been alright given the circumstances, it must be true, every Instagram caption says so. But now all that excitement is over, and now you’re at home you probably still want to be living in the amazing year that just passed. Well want no more, here are five ways to make it feel like the year that never seemed to end has never ended!
Your Own Personal Jeffrey — Once a week Christmas morning came to York, everyone waking up early to run downstairs and see if Father Jeffrey had left us another gift of an email, and you may feel lost without this regular cocktail of generic website excerpts with the odd bit of vital degree-changing information buried within it. But if you ask nicely, the university will provide a mini Charlie Jeffrey to give you weekly updates about the different ways your personal life is collapsing, with a nice message at the end to keep your chin up and enjoy the weather. What a DILF.
Recreate FOCACRTADETYF — Many of you this year have experienced the Fear Of Caring About Covid Rules To A Different Extent Than Your Friends; we’ve all spent nights awake wondering if our mates have accepted our invites to the bat-lick-and-twat-flick rave orgy just because they didn’t want to let you down, rather than actually feeling safe themselves. It’s a delicate tightrope that can be extended all the way to your home, just make sure to never have a conversation with the people you’re living with about how you really feel about things. Hey, you’ve probably been practicing it for years!
Canopies — Holy fuck canopies are awesome right? Right? They are the best possible option and it would be very rude of you to question any part of the execution, thank you very much. So demolish your house and replace it with a canopy, demolish your parents and replace them with two smaller canopies, the dog can stay but it’s only allowed to drink expensive Magners now. They are going to make this summer great, and will look amazing at the back of your shed for years to come.
Get Bird Flu — It is now official government policy that we all have to live with COVID circulating freely, which is upsetting for students who for the last year have got used to that being a special little policy for their halls of residence. With everyone now living the 2020 Fresher life this summer you should find a way to feel special again, so why not give yourself and your friends a case of H10N3 bird flu? It is harder to spread between humans so I hope you didn’t delete Tinder yet, make everyone you know more likely to be exposed so people can go back to blaming you for rising cases again!
That Funny Feeling — The overall mood of this year has been almost indescribable, but not unreplicable. When you get home pour yourself a nice big lukewarm bath, then get in it fully clothed. Now take one of those dumbbells that you brought over lockdown and put it on your chest. Then another. Then another. It’s okay, your nose is still above water, add another, it’s okay, the water will overflow and someone will notice before you drown, add another, now the tap’s come back on, add another, you’ve made it this far, what the fuck do you mean you’ve ran out of dumbells, add another…and voila! Another clean student! See you again in September!
Daniel Bennett
