A ‘Who’s Who’ of Democratic Presidential Candidates
In the United Kingdom’s never ending to crusade to become the 51st State of America, there’s more and more coverage of the 2020 presidential race than ever. This has led to ill-informed and baseless arguments in campus bars across York about individuals preferred democratic candidate, or even their support for the incumbent. So, allow me to throw my own ill-informed hat into the ring, and help you decide who you might have voted for, had you any stake in this election, or right to do so, and fuck it, one of you might be American, maybe?
Bernie Sanders: Most of campus is probably ‘feeling the Bern’, Sanders being perhaps the only white man of his generation for whom feeling doesn’t yet hold negative connotations. You’ll like him if you’re still telling your mum that supporting the SDP isn’t a phase, but once you get a house, a wife, 2.5 children, and a Volvo, you’ll probably get over it.
Pete Buttigieg: Ahh Pete, young, gay, moderate, ‘America’s Mayor’, and by America I mean it in the classical sense, the old America, fiscally conservative and scared of real change, but optimistic none the less. Pete is your candidate if you miss Obama but accept that Joe Biden is genuinely senile. He won’t actually change or do anything, but shit might not get worse.
Elizabeth Warren: I know literally nothing about Elizabeth Warren, and I don’t trust anyone who says that they do. I can’t work out what her niche is, or where her support comes from, perhaps being left-wing but not being called Bernie Sanders qualifies you to be president in the Trumpian era- or perhaps Warren’s entire campaign and support is just an elaborate rouse.
Andrew Yang: Yang is a tech-dude, he’s straight out of the same production line as your favourite sociopathic lizard people, like our benevolent God-King Mark Zuckerberg. But something went wrong with Yang. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a trendy tech entrepreneur with trendy tech ideas, but he also ended up with a semblance of social awareness, maybe even electability or god forbid, empathy, the things that keep Zuckerberg up at night, but take a sigh of relief Mark, because Yang’s perplexing proposals never did penetrate an already confused America.
Joe Biden: The man who needs no introduction, apart from the one that I’m about to give him, Joe Biden is the go-to pick if you have only a passing interest in an election you can’t actually vote in. He was supposed to be the natural front runner but perhaps being repeatedly ‘a bit weird’ around children and sucking his wife’s finger on stage at a rally has somewhat taken the momentum out of his supposedly inevitable candidacy. Now Joe just seems like a fossil of a man who’s occasionally wheeled out in front of the equally decrepit to shakily mutter the word ‘Obama’ before he’s allowed to have his soup and watch Countdown.
— Harry James
