ANALYSIS: Where Should the House of Lords Sit in York?
The Lords may be moving to York. It’s all part of a scheme to both reconnect with voters and justify the purchase of a quaint second/third/fourth home in York City Centre. I have conducted an exhaustive search of all the best places they could move — you could say I’m doing the Lord’s work.
York Railway Station (on a moving train): Imagine the Lords being constantly on the move when in session. They could see the whole of the North from their (first class) carriage. It would probably be a bit like Snowpiercer but with more fighting and less appealing sights.
Heslington East: I’m not a conspiracy theorist but it is quite convenient that a large new development on Hes East coincides with rumours of the Lords coming to York. It’s particularly convenient for the Lords themselves who would be able to visit their grandsons and granddaughters living there. The subsidised bars would be replaced with Ron Cooke Hub paninis and a daily allowance of YoYo points.
The York Dungeon: Sometimes politics feels like the same horror show being repeated on a loop. Having the Lords sit in The York Dungeon would make this a reality. Debate would be interrupted by screams of ‘AGHH, THE FIRE BURNS!’ BBC Parliament would include warnings of jump scares and unprecedented witch-burner on Baroness action. That would connect with me.
Guy Fawkes Inn: What could possibly go wrong? If Guy Fawkes were alive today, he’d probably be crowdfunding to make Big Ben go Boom.
The Postern Gate Wetherspoons: Enjoying Baroness Pinnock’s 10 minute monologue? Send a pint to her table. More importantly, if Farage becomes a peer you could send him gammon non-stop. They wouldn’t be able to make it fast enough. Eventually York would be forced to become one big Gammon factory and that would still be insufficient to satisfy the Gammon King.
Wherever they can find a seat in JB Morrell Library: This would be cruel. They have important work to do and the uncertainty of finding a seat when they need it would surely impact their performance. Perhaps we could build a new library for the Lords?
— Will Rowan
