Boris Boost: Record Ice Cream Sales Dumbfound Naysayers
Johnson has been Prime Minister for only a day and yet we’re already seeing a ‘Boris Boost’. Sales of ice cream, fans, and one-way tickets to ‘literally anywhere else’ have soared since his appointment yesterday. This economic buoyancy is seen as a life raft for the new chancellor, Sajid Javid, who is rumoured to be basing his new budget entirely on the rising sales of hats and sun cream.
Supporters of Johnson have flocked to the beaches in their thousands—their faces redder than ever. Meanwhile, productivity has plummeted with the rest of the country lying in a sea of their own sweat, wishing away the rest of the day and the other 98 days until October the 31st.
I spoke to one supporter who endeavoured to explain the unprecedented uptick in demand,
‘Clearly, the country believes in Johnson’s vision. We’re seeing a new optimism in our coastal communities; the beaches are bursting and the cold drinks business is booming. This is a clear mandate for no-deal.’
I couldn’t find a single opposing viewpoint but that may have been due to the fact that I was a) severely dehydrated, b) had got lost in a sauna, and c) weeping uncontrollably.
— Will Rowan
