MyUoY App Found to Insecurely Invade Students’ Privacy
The MyUoY app has been found to insecurely invade students’ privacy, according to a URYNews report. This is a clear disappointment to students who want their privacy to be invaded in a secure manner. That’s why I came to university after all.
The MyUoY app promises new ways to track your every move. It wants to be your imaginary friend — just not imaginary and not too friendly either. Surely there must be other ways we can monitor student attendance? I have a few suggestions.
STALK Scheme: Why not expand the STYC scheme to include students whose sole purpose is to follow you around wherever you go? They can check your attendance, inform on you when you take breaks, and still call themselves your friend. They could even be paid for their work.
Adapt the Voight-Kampff test: This updated test will be used to determine whether students are attending lectures or not. It works on the assumption that skipping lectures has a moral impact on a student which can be quantified. The poem Pale Fire has been replaced by extracts from the student handbook and god forbid If you’re found to be off-baseline.
Buttock biometric devices installed in all lecture theatre seats: Yes, Science has gone too far. These exist. They can be used to recognise students by the distinctive pattern of their arse. This would be relatively unobtrusive; just sit as normal and your attendance will be recorded. Of course everyone would have to be registered to allow them to be recognised — perhaps straight after the welcome talk?
A totalitarian state: Out of all the poor arguments for mass surveillance, university attendance monitoring is perhaps the most nuanced. If you’ve got nothing to hide about your 9AM lecture attendance then what’s your problem with your hairbrush being bugged?
Ankle tags: These could either be attached to student’s ankles or the functionality could be replicated in every freshers wristband. You better hope you’re attending lectures and practicals or your parole officer will be sending you to jail.
Nothing: What if we didn’t need any of these? What if the current system was better than any of this nonsense? Now that’s a bold idea.
— Will Rowan
