No One is Out of Your League

Jason Henry
Sep 10, 2020 · 4 min read

Dating isn’t a sport. There is no major league of dating. And while you may improve your skills, it does not change your inherent value which is exactly as much as everyone else on the planet.

The notion that someone is out of your league is usually dependent on two things: physical looks and symbols of success.

This implies that we value people based on the superficial. This isn’t exactly breaking news but it does illuminate a problem when it comes to a potential relationship.

When we get used to their face or we get used to the stuff, we now have to bear witness to who this person really is. And the sad truth is that they may not be that great.

This is the hard way of learning this lesson. If you’ve dated someone hotter than you or was more successful, you know that that stuff means literally nothing when you have had your fill of abuse or neglect.

When my friends patted me on the back for one of my exes but failed to take into account her possessiveness or when a friend fawned over a guy because he had a luxury car, I can’t say I didn’t get it. Attractive stuff is nice, but it isn’t that important.

Eventually, you remember that what is most important is how you both treat one another and foster the relationship.

Maybe you totally agree with everything you just read but you still know that in front of someone who is attractive or has attractive stuff, you get tongue-tied and your confidence falls faster than your underwear would if you got a chance with this amazing person.

Firstly, remember that if they don’t like you, that’s perfectly okay. People who are less attractive than you or with less success won’t like you, and there will be people who are more attractive than you or with more success who you won’t fancy either.

Secondly, you have to realize that once you drop the notion that someone’s looks or success is a bearing on their character, they’re just like anybody else.

At that point, the only way you’d really be interested in them is to get to know them more. Maybe you’ve had the experience where you met someone you weren’t that interested in but once you got to know them, you really started to like them and you suddenly saw them as more attractive.

That’s the beauty of getting rid of leagues.

Another thing to realize is that if you are one of those people who value certain people over others because of some revered trait, that means that you devalue people who don’t have that trait.

And while we have evolved to value beauty as a sign of health and success as a sign of being able to take care of a potential family, we have also evolved to realize that the emotional health of our partner supersedes everything.

Plus it isn’t nice to treat people less politely just because they don’t have some coveted characteristic. That shows something about your character. The CEO and the custodian are equal, even if we tend to think they aren’t.

I definitely had to check my character once before when a girl confessed her feelings to me. I didn’t feel the same but I wasn’t gracious about it. I still cringe at the memory because I knew better but still wasn’t respectful.

At that time in my life I definitely put women I considered attractive on a pedestal, which meant that I didn’t think I was good enough for them. So if a girl came along that I didn’t consider attractive, I wouldn’t be nervous because I subconsciously thought that I was better.

This is really cruel and the shame hasn’t subsided completely but this was my introduction to knowing that leagues aren’t a thing and that I was actually condemning myself just as much as I was judging that girl.

If I couldn’t see that maybe I would like her if I got to know her more, then why would anyone think the same for me? And if someone gave me a chance, then why couldn’t I give someone else a chance?

Why would I limit myself on what was romantically possible? Why would I limit someone else? Why would I not acknowledge her bravery? Wouldn’t that just cause me to shut my mouth if I approached someone I thought was attractive?

Why was it so wrong for her to feel the way she did? Was it because I thought I was superior? Unfortunately, yes. And that isn’t a feeling I wanted from someone who thought they were “out of my league” so I only told someone how I felt about them if I felt like I was about to explode.

It is time to put an end to this sexual caste system.

At the end of the day, if you get with someone because of how they look or what they have, it won’t matter if they treat you poorly because you won’t enjoy it.

And if they treat you well, how they look or what they have still won’t matter because you’ll be more enamored with the character of the person anyway.

So while physical attractiveness and success do in fact matter, I don’t think it is wise to want or refuse a relationship with someone because of these traits. That doesn’t make sense.

That’s like wanting or ignoring a car you see on the lot without knowing anything about the engine, interior, cost, insurance premium, cost of car parts, if it was pre-owned or not, accident history, gas consumption, safety rating or even taking a test drive.

There are some things you may be able to guess, but there are certain things you will never know unless you drop your bias and give it a chance.

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