Self-compassion and self-esteem — are they the same thing?

We should have a high self-esteem and be assertive to be successful. Or at least that’s the impression you can get when doing even the briefest of scrolls through LinkedIn. But can there actually be something better than a high self-esteem? Yes, and that thing is self-compassion.

When we think compassion, the first thought is usually of compassion towards others. This isn’t a bad lead — after all, it is generally a good thing to be compassionate towards others, to understand that they’re imperfect, that they make mistake.

But if you’re a perfectionist (which high-achievers often are, including the author herself), then that sort of outward self-compassion likely comes easier to you than compassion toward yourself. After all, it’s completely ok for others to be imperfect — it’s only you that should never make a single misstep, right?

The inner ‘drill sergeant’

I have recently listened to a great podcast from The Happiness Lab titled ‘Dump Your Inner Drill Sergeant’. In this episode, Dr Laurie Santos from Yale University talked about New Year resolutions, and how people usually approach them. And that is by activating their inner ‘drill sergeant’ — talking down to themselves, being harsh, and generally using what I would call negative self-talk, or self-motivation. Dr Santos highlighted that many people feel that if they were too soft on themselves, they simply wouldn’t achieve anything. Only by being stern can you reach your goals.

Well, surprisingly enough, research has shown otherwise. But it is just so tempting to activate that drill sergeant, isn’t it…

Why you should hand your drill sergeant their notice

We punish ourselves for faults and failings, big or small. ‘You’re so stupid, how could you have missed that’, you might say after you didn’t spot a broken formula in an excel spreadsheet. ‘You’re such a lazy cow, you’ll soon be featured on “My 600-lb life”’ you might be saying after eating yet another jammie dogger, after you told yourself no more.

Feels like an effective strategy — after all, after such harsh criticism, you should be able to correct your behaviour, and power on as a newly reformed person. Well, has it ever actually worked for you? I know it doesn’t for me, not really, seeing as I’m writing this while munching on a jammie dogger (my second, and it’s not even noon).

But how do you change the way you talk to yourself?

Think first whether you would talk the way you talk to yourself to someone you care about. Your friend, parent, maybe a romantic partner. Would you? Not really, right? That would be too harsh, and unnecessary. You are not a cruel person, after all. For them, you have compassion. But what about you?

You are the most important person in your life.

This isn’t a sort of selfish self-loving of ‘oh, no one matters but me’. It is more of the ‘put your oxygen mask on first before helping any fellow passengers’ that you hear in the safety instruction before a flight. You can’t help someone else if you’re passed out from lack of oxygen, can you?

In a way, being kind to yourself is the oxygen of self-growth.

You need to start by handing your drill sergeant their notice. This is the first step on the journey to becoming your own best friend.

Why self-compassion and not self-esteem?

We’ve already established that you wouldn’t talk to your friends with the same level of judgement as you direct towards yourself. But why is it self-compassion, and not self-esteem, that I’m trying to (gently!) push on you here?

That’s because self-esteem is tied to performance. You are good because you perform, because you achieve — it is positive judgement, yes, but judgement nonetheless. That’s conditional love. While that’s better than no love at all, what sort of a relationship would it be if your partner only loved you if you kept on getting annual promotions at work? Kinda toxic, I daresay. I’d personally opt to dump their ass.

Self-compassion is unconditional. The sort of love we all actually want from our partners and parents and friends. That’s the sort of love you should be aiming to give yourself. There is no judgement in self-compassion, so your drill sergeant is without a job.

There’s one more important thing — harsh self-judgement has been linked to depression. So, by engaging your inner drill sergeant, you’re quite literally talking yourself down into a rabbit hole of being mentally unwell. And anyone who has ever suffered from depression will tell you that there is no self-growth when you’re struggling to get out of bed.

So instead, make a commitment to yourself — that to be your own best friend. To talk to yourself with the kindness you give your friends.

Every time you catch yourself with the drill sergeant back on duty, pause and think what you’d tell your friend in that exact situation. Write it out if it helps. Or say it out loud if you’re comfortable with that. Hearing it actually said out loud might resonate better with you, as it feels a little more external.

But why should I bother?

Ok, cool, being my own best friend sounds fine. But what will that give me? Won’t I just become a lazy slob with their bum glued to the sofa, because that’s just more comfortable?

Well, for starters, self-compassion is most definitely not linked to depression. So that’s a point here.

Quoting after Dr Kristin Neff, who researches self-compassion for a living (and also practices it herself) “Now a lot of research is coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for intrinsic reasons, they can stick to their diets, they go to the doctor more often, they practice safer sex.”. But there are also mental health benefits: “less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction.”

But will being so very kind and understanding not make me unmotivated? Don’t I need the drill sergeant to keep me in line?

Research says that’s not really the way it is — people with high self-compassion still have high standards for themselves, but they’re less upset when they don’t quite meet the goals they have set for themselves. In a way, their motivation is more balanced and less punitive. So by adopting self-compassion rather than self-esteem, and sacking your inner drill-sergeant, you’re not getting rid of your motivation. You’re merely changing your relationship with it. For the better. With self-compassion you will still grow — just in a more balanced way.